What Will This Day Be Like? I Wonder.

I woke up this morning, singing " What will this day be like?  I wonder."...
"Besides what you see, I have confidence in me."

The thought dawned on me.  "I want to be Julie Andrews."
Sound of Music.  Mary Poppins.  Victor/Victoria.

Do I Really want to be a nun, a magical nanny and a drag queen?

Yes.  I DO.

Delusion of Grandeur squelched.  Julie Andrews is not a nun, a magical nanny or a drag queen either.  Reality is these are roles she played so well you believed she was those people.  At least, I did.

My profound reality is
1)  I want to be a monk who contemplates and meditates.
2)  I love to work with children.
3)  I am a man attracted to other men.

I leave you now so that I can go to the ocean and "Feed the Birds!"

Celebrate With Me

Sometimes life goes around full circle.  My last post ended with what a beautiful day it was going to be.  Having not been on blogspot since that day, I commented on faceback with the song, "OH What a beautiful morning.  OH What a beautiful day.  I have a wonderful feeling.  Everything is going my way."

Most of you know that it has been a very difficult month for me.  Besides being jobless and homeless, I considered walking in front of a moving train which got me a 3 day stay, 5150 and a 7 day stay, 5250 at the VA hospital in West Los Angeles.  Having survived that ordeal, I am back in a transitional housing facility in Santa Barbara, California.

This is my official blog to thank you for all your love, prayers, cards and thoughts, especially in the last month.  Presently taking 5 different medicines to combat paranoid schizophrenia, depression, bi polar disorder and a borderline personality.  Although I hate taking medicine, I am committed to being faithful in taking my meds as a gift to YOU.  You do not deserve the tumult and turmoil that is required for you to take this emotional roller coaster ride that I have been on for over a half a century.

Thanks for dropping in to Celebrate with me!

Sunrise, Sunset

Sunrise, Sunset!

The sun is setting on a very sick little boy named Donnie Harbeck.  After a 72 hour hold in the ICU at the VA hospital in West LA and then a fourteen day mandatory hold by the state of California, a countless number of psychiatrists, doctors, nurses, social workers and a medical team have put this "Humpty Dumpty" cracked little egg back together again.

Does Donnie suffer from Depression, Paranoid Schizophrenia and/or Bi Polar disease?  The jury is still out deliberating.  While reading the September 2000 Biography magazine, I stumbled on an article "In the Spotlight" about Daryl Hannah.  Page 22.  Daryl Hannah has been "diagnosed borderline autistic, she often retreated into fantasy worlds and films like The Wizard of Oz.  Even today, she's said, she likes to sit in a corner and observe." 

How interesting we thought!  We like to do the same thing.  One of my youngest recollections is sitting in my room and singing, "In my own little corner, in my own little world, I can be whoever I want to be....."
Turns out the final diagnosis is that I have a borderline personality.  Dave Libby was right all the time.

Today is a new day.  The sun rises.  Now I must learn how to live with this disorder while being heavily medicated on three different medications.  My greatest challenge is to make sure that Donnie takes his meds.  As you all know, Donnie hates taking medicine.  I have two choices.  Either, I as John Thomas can take care of Donnie or the state of California will take care of both of us.  We prefer the first option.  We never want to have to go back to the psychiatric ward again.

The sun sets on the nightmare that Donnie has lived in for too many years to mention.

The sun rises on all the new dreams that I encourage Donnie to believe can come to fruition.

What a beautiful day this is going to be!

Good News About Donnie

I do not think I even understand it so I do not expect you to understand it either.  I, John Thomas, is merely a figment of Donnie's imagination.  He created him so that he would not be lonely.  He created him because he was unable to function anymore.  The Good News about Donnie is that he has been moved to a different facility where he will be able to continue his psychiatric work as an outpatient.  Even Uncle Sam does not have the money to support Donnie in a full time mental facility.

Donnie is being watched very carefully on a ninety day suicide watch.  The care facility that he is now at has very specific rules and he is being monitored very closely.  He will continue to take medicine which has eliminated the external voices which were telling him to do very harmful things like walking in front of a train.  Donnie still insists that those voices were demons waging spiritual warfare for his soul.

Donnie has been very depressed because he is becoming aware that his entire life has been nothing but delusions of grandeur.  He is never going to be Dr. Doolittle.  He is never going to be the King of England and he never had a chance at marrying Princess Diana.  He is never going to be a Star on Dancing With The Stars.  One of the hardest things for him was to face that he will never be a guest star on GLEE.  The fact that Donnie will never win an Oscar, a Pulitzer Prize or the Nobel Peace Prize seem to be like nails in his coffin.  Donnie just reminded me that his coffin is in a Public Storage space in Illinois.  I told him it is much better than in his dining room.  He just told me that at least he had a dining room.  We both laugh.

Donnie wanted me to thank his Mother, Mary Ellen Andersen, his Aunt Do, and Tim Page for being so thoughtful as to sending him get well cards.  They really meant a lot to him and me.  For everyone else, we want to thank you for your continued support in prayer.

Today was a remarkable day.  I took Donnie to the ocean today.  We had a wonderful time reading the Bible and the verse that meant the most to Donnie was John 1:1  "In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God and the Word was God."  The Word became flesh.  I told Donnie that this is the closest that he will ever get to this on earth.

He seemed to be good with that.  We are creating a new list of favorite things for Donnie.  The first as you and I know is that Donnie feels closest to God when he is by the ocean.  The second item on the list is Donnie loves to feed the seagulls.  He remembers being in Israel and feeding the seagulls on a boat similar to the one Jesus rode on when he was on the Sea of Galilee.  We walked along the ocean, we walked through the City of Santa Barbara, and Donnie wanted to walk to the library to have me let you know that he is doing well.

We both are.

Taking Care of Donnie

Donnie is in need of serious psychiatric help.  He has been moved to a new facility.  Yesterday Donnie was put on a new medication called Seroquel.  This medicine is an atypical antipsychotic used to treat schizophrenia and/or bipolar disorder.

Having a fragmented personality, Donnie no longer only hears the voices in his head.  Recently he has started hearing voices on the outside.  Evil, hateful voices which have been instructing him to do harmful things.  Donnie is very confused as he has always had imaginary friends.  He still considers RED, a plastic toy monkey which he received as a present when he was two years old, to have been his best friend.  Losing his best friend, Red in California, over twenty-five years ago is a traumatic experience that still torments him today.
To no avail, Donnie has searched the world over to find another person to take the place of Red.

There are a large number of social workers, psychiatrists, nurses, doctors and a team of professionals that have fallen in love with Donnie and have decided to pour unimaginable amounts of love to make a difference in one precious little boy's life.  They are committed to rebuilding a broken down old man who has no will to live and contemplates suicide in a transformation process that will turn this little ordinary boy into a man who God wants to do extra ordinary things through.

If by chance you ever are interested in contacting Donnie, please feel free to write him at:

Donnie Harbeck
112 W. Cabrillo Blvd.
Santa Barbara, California  93101

In the meantime, I will be taking care of Donnie with a team of incredible medical professionals.  I will try to keep you posted on his progress as much as possible.  We value and covet your prayers.  Donnie just asked me, "Is it a sin to covet prayers?"

"Good Question Donnie", I answered Donnie, "Better ask God that one yourself!"

"Okay, I will."  Donnie said.

Now look what I did.  Now I am going to have to take Donnie to the ocean.  That means I have to walk across the street.

"Oh how He loves you and me!" 

Pinochle

Yesterday I made the mistake of showing Donnie the You Tube broadcast of Susan Boyle singing for the first time on Britain's Got Talent.  With over 75 million views, Susan is now a household name.  Although Donnie is very happy for Susan, he started crying uncontrollably that the same thing would never happen for him.  We had to leave the library at once to avoid further embarrassment for both of us.

Once Donnie settled down, he was quick to remind me that I promised him that we would do something FUN that he wanted to do.  What a predicament I put myself in.  Fortunately for me, one of the patients at Donnie's "VA version of One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest" came up with the solution.  Douglas suggested that we play two handed pinochle.  I wish you would have been there to see Donnie's eyes light up.  He was so excited.  A little perturbed that Douglas had said two handed instead of three handed but Donnie does not understand that I am the only one who sees him.   We had tried to play four handed pinochle several times but the fourth player was kicked out of the "prison" for violation of the rules.  Donnie could never figure out why Douglas, Josh, he and me could not play.  He also could not understand how you can kicked out of "prison" for breaking the rules.  Donnie asked, "Don't you get put in prison for breaking the rules not for obeying them?"  I just chuckled.

I asked Douglas to briefly go over the rules again.  Donnie was happy to be sitting on my lap just as he used to sit on his Grandma Harbeck's lap while she played.  Grandma Harbeck never played two handed. Only four handed.  She was an incredible card player.  She even taught Donnie how to play.  One of his fondest memories would be when someone needed to step out for a bit, Grandma H would allow Donnie to be the fourth player.

With Donnie in my lap, Douglas and I began playing two handed pinochle.  The three of us had a wonderful time.  We would have played all night long but curfew on Saturday is eleven pm so we were "encouraged" to finish up our last hand and head for bed.

I thought everything was wonderful.  Donnie started to crash and burn.  Donnie started missing his Grandmother so much that he wanted to die so he could go to heaven to be with her.  The last time he had played pinochle was when he was with his Grandmother.  One of Donnie's favorite things to do is to play cards.  He continued to tail spin as his favorite card game is ROOK.  He vowed never to play ROOK again here on earth because of a traumatic family event.  Donnie even buried his ROOK cards in his cousin Steve's coffin because Steve was the only one who ALWAYS made himself available to play cards.  One of Donnie's favorite memories is playing cards with his brother Ron, his cousins Steve and Bill. Donnie wishes he would just die so he can be in heaven with Steve and play cards for all eternity.  Grandma Zoch was always ready and willing to play any game we chose.  She is in heaven too.  Three of Donnie's favorite relatives are in heaven.  Melancholy continued to draw Donnie into a deeper and deeper depression.  I tried to keep his hysteria and crying under control, but as one patient after another began to snore, I knew that our secret was safe for at least one more night.

As Donnie laid there trying to cry himself to sleep, I contemplated that maybe Tracy was right and that I should have checked myself into the VA West LA psychiatric ward.  Between Donnie crying, my contemplating, the patients' snoring and the noises of being on one of the busiest street on a Saturday night, we did not get much sleep.  Morning came and we were too tired to get out of bed.  Afternoon came and we were still too tired to sleep.

I am not sure if I convinced Donnie to get out of bed or Donnie convinced me.  However, between the both of us, we decided to take a walk to the library.  As we walked past bar after bar, we were so thankful not to be tormented in being in those establishments forced  to watch football at record levels of loud volume.  As we walked past places that served brunch, Donnie found himself missing Kelly and Linda.  The last brunch he served was with them.  Oh the memories of Santa Marghareto Pinot Grigio!  As we continued to walk up Main Street, Donnie saw a purse that Alissa would have to have.  Coach has an incredible purse on sale from $595 to $295.  Oh the days of wine and roses!

Although Donnie thinks he is cursed, I assure him that we are blessed.  Although we are homeless, jobless and broke, I remind him to remember the song his Grandma Zoch used to sing to him.  Count Your Blessings!  Whether it be a "nuthouse" or "prison", we have a place to stay.  We have a job at Culinary Staffing Services in LA that we can not get to and we have a job at Pure Joy Catering that just went into their slow season.  We must NOT forget that we are applying for a job that Donnie has wanted all his life.  We are applying to work at the Santa Barbara zoo.  Although I will have to convince Donnie that we can not talk to and pet the animals but that we may be able to feed them, he is already arguing with me.  "That's not true!" he said. "I already talked to, pet and fed the giraffes."

"Count Your Blessings!"  Grandma Zoch sings in the memory of Donnie's mind.

"I live next to the Pacific Ocean in a beautiful city called Santa Barbara.  Even the name reminds me of my Aunt Barbara who made a deal with God to stay here on earth one extra year to be with her family after the death of her son, Michael who had tried to fly home from California to be with her during her surgery with cancer.  God answered her plea/prayer.  Almost one year from that date, she told everyone that it was now time for her to be with Michael and she died.  God has me here for a reason.  Maybe I need to spend some more time by the ocean and commune with God.  My friends and family want me to get the help I need.  Uncle Sam and the three psychiatrists I am working with will decide where that will be.  Whether I stay in Santa Barbara or return to West LA, I am a blessed little boy!"  Donnie continues to count his blessings.

I am certain that Donnie and I will see a dove on the walk back to what we now call home.  A dove is God's reminder to us that Grandma Zoch is still watching over us.  If we see two doves, we will know that Steve is with her.  If we see a deck of ROOK cards, Donnie might just "freak out"!  Hopefully, we can find Douglas and play pinochle again tonight!

Saturday in Santa Barbara

I am convinced that Donnie is a child between the ages of five and eight trapped in an old, broken down fifty-three year old body.  The strange thing is I believe Donnie created me to help make sense of his disassociative disorder, bi polar depressive, paranoid, delusions of grandeur personality.  Sometimes I find him to be so completely "complex and complicated".

Today I find him to be so simple and lovable.

Although we barely slept last night, Donnie wanted to return to the ocean.  Only minutes away from where we are staying, I felt like I was his big brother as I carried him on my back.  Donnie feels closest to God when he is near the ocean.

After a short amount of time, Donnie asked what time it was.  When I told him it was eleven am, he insisted we hurry over to the Gracie Barra Jiu-Jitsu Academy.  There was a Family Class at eleven and an adult class at twelve.  What interested me most was that Donnie wanted to attend the eleven o'clock class that had the children at it.  While I was watching a child who stopped participating in the class return to his mother's lap, a little light went on in my mind. As I sat outside the facility on the bench, I noticed that Donnie was doing the same thing.  He wanted to be in the class but he was afraid.

I was very interested in attending the class at noon with the adults.  Donnie was no where to be found.  Moments later, I saw that he had run off to play with the other kids.  Calling him to return to the bench, he begrudgingly complied.  Now I must figure out a way to earn money so we can attend these classes.  It would be a great way for us to healthy physical touch, exercise and discipline.

Donnie did not want to go but I insisted we go to the library.  He is looking at the fish in the aquarium while I jot some thoughts down here.  I promised him we would go and do something FUN that he wanted to do.

Saturday in Santa Barbara!