Walking on a New Path

"Open a new window, open a new door,
travel a new highway that has never been tried before..."

Although the words are from an old musical, this is a new song in my heart.  As I went walking and talking with God today, I sensed that God wanted me to take a new path.  Usually I have the habit of doing the same thing, the same way every single time.  This could be one of the reasons for my insanity.  However, one of the few times in my life I listened to God, I found myself riding on a new path through Santa Barbara.

As I listened to the ocean tide come in and out, I said the Jesus Prayer.
"Lord Jesus Christ, son of God, have mercy on me" I breathed in.
Hold breath.
"A sinner saved by grace."  I would exhale.  Sometimes I would be vocal.  However when others were near, in silence; so that they did not think of me as one of those crazy homeless people.  Although even if I am mentally ill, I have chosen to love myself.

The first gift God had in store for me was seeing a lone dove.  Was this a sign of the Holy Spirit or my Grandma Zoch visiting me from heaven?  All I felt was that God loved me and my Grandma loved me and I loved them. 

"He who began a good work in you, will be faithful to complete it."

As I continued riding my bike through a part of Santa Barbara I had never been, I saw a bunch of sparrows.  I tried to feed them but they kept their distance.

"I sing because I am happy,  I sing because I am free,
if Your (God's) eye is on the sparrow,
then I know You're (God's) watching me."  I sang a song my Grandma Zoch taught me when I was a little child.

As I continued to chase after the sparrows, I found myself in a flowered area of a park and what do you think God had in store for me?  A butterfly.  A single beautiful white butterfly floated and lighted for a moment for God to remind me that this little caterpillar is going to be a beautiful butterfly.

Love Keeps No Record of Wrongs

Loving myself is not going to be easy.

Every time I told myself that I was a child of God, Satan filled my head with the thought, "You are a liar, you are a son of Satan."  He reminded me of sin after sin that I had committed.

God is love.

Love is patient.  I need to be patient with myself.

Love is kind.  I need to be kind to myself.

Love also keeps no record of wrongs.

As I walked along the sand next to the ocean, I thought of the poem, "Footprints".  However, God gave me a different twist to think about.
Every time that Satan reminded me of one of my sins, I watched as my footprints were washed away by the incoming waves.  Even the deadly sins were mentioned

Pride.  Greed.  Envy.  Gluttony.  Lust.  Wrath.

On a beautiful day in Santa Barbara, I walked and talked with God knowing that every one of my sins was forgiven, each and every time I watched the waves wash away my footsteps.

Come to think of it, this may be easier than I thought.  I was happy to mention to God that I did not despair knowing that he had removed my sin as far as the east is from the west.

If God remembers my sin no more, I think I can receive His love and keep no record of wrongs either.

"Hey, do you know what?"

One of my mentors in life was named Father Vincent Dwyer.

He would say, "Hey, do you know what?"

My response was to be "You love me just the way I am."

"What does that say to you about you?"  He continued.

I was supposed to respond that if he could love me, how much more God loves me.

Today my reality is that whether God, Vince or anyone else loves me means nothing if I do not love myself.  I am incapable of receiving love from anyone if I am unable to stop hating myself.  My life has fallen apart.  Homeless, jobless, mentally ill and struggling with a broken heart valve, despair has made me consider suicide as a viable option.

Despair.  Depression.  Hopelessness.

On the road to loving myself, the first issue is the sin of despair.  I had made a positive choice to give up hope.  To stop "running the race".  I had made a terrible error of believing that "my" sin was too large for Jesus Christ and his death on the cross to forgive.  The catholic church considers despair to be a mortal sin.  I agree.  "Repent, for the kingdom of heaven is near."

As I implore God to forgive me, I try to imagine God saying, "Now go and sin no more."  If anyone knows me of any length, you know that for the past decade I have begged and implored God to let me die.  Bring me home to heaven.  This life on earth is too hard for me.  I feel unloved.  The Bible says God gives us the choice of choosing life or death.  Unfortunately, I chose poorly and have been miserable for over ten years chasing after death.

Putting the pieces back together.

No longer am I homeless as I live in a transitional living facility.

Although I hate taking medication, I comply with my doctors and therapists who are treating me for borderline personality, bipolar disorder, paranoia and depression.  The hard part is learning about my mental illness and learning how to manage it.  Pretending there was nothing wrong was not the right answer.

Regarding my heart, I have decided to have the open heart surgery.  I thought God had answered my prayer and that I was told in 2007 that I would not live two years.  This is the year 2012.  My response was always, "The God who gave me a broken heart valve is the same God who can fix it."  Having worked through some foggy areas of my mental illness, it became clear that there was no reason for God to heal me miraculously as he continues to work miracles through the gifted hands of these doctors.  The charismatics would call this the gift of healing.

Regarding a job, I just completed a two year culinary arts program and was hired but I need to postpone my hire date due to the heart surgery this summer.

Loving myself is foreign to me.  Almost seems unbiblical.  However, God is love.  God created me in His image.  Therefore, loving myself is the first stage to loving God.  As I continue to trust and obey God, I show God that I love him.  God commands me to love others as oneself.  Love is full circle.  Never ending.

"Hey, do you know what?"

"I love me just the way I am." 

What Will This Day Be Like? I Wonder.

I woke up this morning, singing " What will this day be like?  I wonder."...
"Besides what you see, I have confidence in me."

The thought dawned on me.  "I want to be Julie Andrews."
Sound of Music.  Mary Poppins.  Victor/Victoria.

Do I Really want to be a nun, a magical nanny and a drag queen?

Yes.  I DO.

Delusion of Grandeur squelched.  Julie Andrews is not a nun, a magical nanny or a drag queen either.  Reality is these are roles she played so well you believed she was those people.  At least, I did.

My profound reality is
1)  I want to be a monk who contemplates and meditates.
2)  I love to work with children.
3)  I am a man attracted to other men.

I leave you now so that I can go to the ocean and "Feed the Birds!"

Celebrate With Me

Sometimes life goes around full circle.  My last post ended with what a beautiful day it was going to be.  Having not been on blogspot since that day, I commented on faceback with the song, "OH What a beautiful morning.  OH What a beautiful day.  I have a wonderful feeling.  Everything is going my way."

Most of you know that it has been a very difficult month for me.  Besides being jobless and homeless, I considered walking in front of a moving train which got me a 3 day stay, 5150 and a 7 day stay, 5250 at the VA hospital in West Los Angeles.  Having survived that ordeal, I am back in a transitional housing facility in Santa Barbara, California.

This is my official blog to thank you for all your love, prayers, cards and thoughts, especially in the last month.  Presently taking 5 different medicines to combat paranoid schizophrenia, depression, bi polar disorder and a borderline personality.  Although I hate taking medicine, I am committed to being faithful in taking my meds as a gift to YOU.  You do not deserve the tumult and turmoil that is required for you to take this emotional roller coaster ride that I have been on for over a half a century.

Thanks for dropping in to Celebrate with me!

Sunrise, Sunset

Sunrise, Sunset!

The sun is setting on a very sick little boy named Donnie Harbeck.  After a 72 hour hold in the ICU at the VA hospital in West LA and then a fourteen day mandatory hold by the state of California, a countless number of psychiatrists, doctors, nurses, social workers and a medical team have put this "Humpty Dumpty" cracked little egg back together again.

Does Donnie suffer from Depression, Paranoid Schizophrenia and/or Bi Polar disease?  The jury is still out deliberating.  While reading the September 2000 Biography magazine, I stumbled on an article "In the Spotlight" about Daryl Hannah.  Page 22.  Daryl Hannah has been "diagnosed borderline autistic, she often retreated into fantasy worlds and films like The Wizard of Oz.  Even today, she's said, she likes to sit in a corner and observe." 

How interesting we thought!  We like to do the same thing.  One of my youngest recollections is sitting in my room and singing, "In my own little corner, in my own little world, I can be whoever I want to be....."
Turns out the final diagnosis is that I have a borderline personality.  Dave Libby was right all the time.

Today is a new day.  The sun rises.  Now I must learn how to live with this disorder while being heavily medicated on three different medications.  My greatest challenge is to make sure that Donnie takes his meds.  As you all know, Donnie hates taking medicine.  I have two choices.  Either, I as John Thomas can take care of Donnie or the state of California will take care of both of us.  We prefer the first option.  We never want to have to go back to the psychiatric ward again.

The sun sets on the nightmare that Donnie has lived in for too many years to mention.

The sun rises on all the new dreams that I encourage Donnie to believe can come to fruition.

What a beautiful day this is going to be!

Good News About Donnie

I do not think I even understand it so I do not expect you to understand it either.  I, John Thomas, is merely a figment of Donnie's imagination.  He created him so that he would not be lonely.  He created him because he was unable to function anymore.  The Good News about Donnie is that he has been moved to a different facility where he will be able to continue his psychiatric work as an outpatient.  Even Uncle Sam does not have the money to support Donnie in a full time mental facility.

Donnie is being watched very carefully on a ninety day suicide watch.  The care facility that he is now at has very specific rules and he is being monitored very closely.  He will continue to take medicine which has eliminated the external voices which were telling him to do very harmful things like walking in front of a train.  Donnie still insists that those voices were demons waging spiritual warfare for his soul.

Donnie has been very depressed because he is becoming aware that his entire life has been nothing but delusions of grandeur.  He is never going to be Dr. Doolittle.  He is never going to be the King of England and he never had a chance at marrying Princess Diana.  He is never going to be a Star on Dancing With The Stars.  One of the hardest things for him was to face that he will never be a guest star on GLEE.  The fact that Donnie will never win an Oscar, a Pulitzer Prize or the Nobel Peace Prize seem to be like nails in his coffin.  Donnie just reminded me that his coffin is in a Public Storage space in Illinois.  I told him it is much better than in his dining room.  He just told me that at least he had a dining room.  We both laugh.

Donnie wanted me to thank his Mother, Mary Ellen Andersen, his Aunt Do, and Tim Page for being so thoughtful as to sending him get well cards.  They really meant a lot to him and me.  For everyone else, we want to thank you for your continued support in prayer.

Today was a remarkable day.  I took Donnie to the ocean today.  We had a wonderful time reading the Bible and the verse that meant the most to Donnie was John 1:1  "In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God and the Word was God."  The Word became flesh.  I told Donnie that this is the closest that he will ever get to this on earth.

He seemed to be good with that.  We are creating a new list of favorite things for Donnie.  The first as you and I know is that Donnie feels closest to God when he is by the ocean.  The second item on the list is Donnie loves to feed the seagulls.  He remembers being in Israel and feeding the seagulls on a boat similar to the one Jesus rode on when he was on the Sea of Galilee.  We walked along the ocean, we walked through the City of Santa Barbara, and Donnie wanted to walk to the library to have me let you know that he is doing well.

We both are.