"Hey, do you know what?"

One of my mentors in life was named Father Vincent Dwyer.

He would say, "Hey, do you know what?"

My response was to be "You love me just the way I am."

"What does that say to you about you?"  He continued.

I was supposed to respond that if he could love me, how much more God loves me.

Today my reality is that whether God, Vince or anyone else loves me means nothing if I do not love myself.  I am incapable of receiving love from anyone if I am unable to stop hating myself.  My life has fallen apart.  Homeless, jobless, mentally ill and struggling with a broken heart valve, despair has made me consider suicide as a viable option.

Despair.  Depression.  Hopelessness.

On the road to loving myself, the first issue is the sin of despair.  I had made a positive choice to give up hope.  To stop "running the race".  I had made a terrible error of believing that "my" sin was too large for Jesus Christ and his death on the cross to forgive.  The catholic church considers despair to be a mortal sin.  I agree.  "Repent, for the kingdom of heaven is near."

As I implore God to forgive me, I try to imagine God saying, "Now go and sin no more."  If anyone knows me of any length, you know that for the past decade I have begged and implored God to let me die.  Bring me home to heaven.  This life on earth is too hard for me.  I feel unloved.  The Bible says God gives us the choice of choosing life or death.  Unfortunately, I chose poorly and have been miserable for over ten years chasing after death.

Putting the pieces back together.

No longer am I homeless as I live in a transitional living facility.

Although I hate taking medication, I comply with my doctors and therapists who are treating me for borderline personality, bipolar disorder, paranoia and depression.  The hard part is learning about my mental illness and learning how to manage it.  Pretending there was nothing wrong was not the right answer.

Regarding my heart, I have decided to have the open heart surgery.  I thought God had answered my prayer and that I was told in 2007 that I would not live two years.  This is the year 2012.  My response was always, "The God who gave me a broken heart valve is the same God who can fix it."  Having worked through some foggy areas of my mental illness, it became clear that there was no reason for God to heal me miraculously as he continues to work miracles through the gifted hands of these doctors.  The charismatics would call this the gift of healing.

Regarding a job, I just completed a two year culinary arts program and was hired but I need to postpone my hire date due to the heart surgery this summer.

Loving myself is foreign to me.  Almost seems unbiblical.  However, God is love.  God created me in His image.  Therefore, loving myself is the first stage to loving God.  As I continue to trust and obey God, I show God that I love him.  God commands me to love others as oneself.  Love is full circle.  Never ending.

"Hey, do you know what?"

"I love me just the way I am."