Keep Your Dream

Printed from Motivational Stories  written by Stephen on 17th November 2008

I have a friend named Monty Roberts who owns a horse ranch in San Ysidro.  He has let me use his house to put on fund-raising events to raise money for youth at risk programs. 

The last time I was there he introduced me by saying, "I want to tell you why I let Jack use my house.  It all goes back to a story about a young man who was the son of an itinerant horse trainer who would go stable to stable, race track to race track, farm to farm and ranch to ranch, training horses.  As a result, the boy's high school career was continually interrupted.  When he was a senior, he was asked to write a paper about what he wanted to be and do when he grew up.

That night he wrote a seven-page describing his goal of someday owning a horse ranch.  He wrote about his dream in great detail and he even drew a diagram of a 200-acre ranch, showing the location of all the buildings, the stable and the track.  Then he drew a detailed floor plan for a 4,000 square-foot house that would sit on a 200-acre dream ranch.

He put a great deal of his heart into the project and the next day he handed it in to his teacher.  Two days later he received his paper back.  On the front was a large red F with a note that read, "See me after class".

The teacher said, "This is an unrealistic dream for a young boy like you.  You have no money.  You come from an itinerant family.  You have no resources.  Owning a horse ranch requires a lot of money.  You have to buy the land.  You have to pay for the original breeding stock and later you'll have to pay large stud fees.  There's no way you could ever do it."  Then the teacher added, "If you rewrite this paper with a more realistic goal, I will reconsider your grade".

The boy went home and thought about it long and hard.  He asked his father what he should do.  His father said, "Look son, you have to make up your own mind on this.  However, I think it is very important decision for you."  Finally, after sitting with it for a week, the boy turned in the same paper, making no changes at all.

He stated, "You can keep the F and I'll keep my dream."

Monty then turned to the assembled group and said, "I tell you this story because you are sitting in my 4,000 square-foot house in the middle of my 200-acre horse ranch.  I still have that school paper framed over the fireplace."  He added, "The best part of the story is that two summers ago that same school teacher brought 30 kids to camp out on my ranch for a week."  When the teacher was leaving, he said, "Look, Monty, I can tell you this now.  When I was your teacher, I was something of a dream stealer.  During those years I stole a lot of kid's dreams.  Fortunately you had enough gumption not to give up on yours."

Don't let anyone steal your dreams.  Follow your heart, no matter what.

Someone stole my dream.  It no longer matters who it was.  The important thing is that I need to decide what my dream is now.  No more fantasies but a real dream.  If someone stole your dream, maybe we can dream together and inspire each other "To Dream the Impossible Dream."

Enjoy your life at every moment

Once a fisherman was sitting near seashore, under the shadow of a tree smoking his beedi.  Suddenly a rich businessman passing by approached him and inquired as to why he was sitting under a tree smoking and not working.  To this the poor fisherman replied that he had caught enough fishes for the day.

Hearing this the rich businessman got angry and said:  Why don't you catch more fishes instead of sitting in the shadow wasting your time?

Fisherman asked:  What would I do by catching more fishes?

Businessman:  You could catch more fishes, sell them and earn more money, and buy a bigger boat.

Fisherman:  What would I do then?

Businessman:  You could go fishing in deep waters and catch even more fishes and earn even more money.

Fisherman:  What would I do then?

Businessman:  You could buy many boats and employ many people to work for you and earn even more money.

Fisherman:  What would I do then?

Businessman:  You could be a rich businessman like me.

Fisherman:  What would I do then?

Businessman:  You could enjoy your life peacefully.

Fisherman:  What do you think I am doing right now?

MORAL ~  You don't need to wait for tomorrow to be happy and enjoy your life.  You don't even need to be more rich, more powerful to enjoy life.  LIFE is at this moment, enjoy it fully.

As some great men have said "My riches consist not in extent of my possessions but in the fewness of my wants".

This was written by Stephen on November 20th,  2008 in Motivational Stories

Butterfly Freedom

"And what's a butterfly?  At best,

He's but a caterpillar,  At rest."  Quote by John Grey


Most of my life,  I have been chasing fantasies and delusions of grandeur in the hopes of transforming my life.  Whether I be like Cinderella singing, "In my own little corner in my own little way, I can be whoever I want to be!" or "Some day my prince will come."  Whether I be a little peasant girl or boy,  I am waiting for my fairy Godmother to change me into a beautiful princess or prince.  How many years were wasted hoping that I would be able to marry Princess Diana?

Recently I had an epiphany.  What's wrong with being a caterpillar?  I love being a caterpillar.  I love being me.  Now I rest knowing that I am just the way that God knew I would be.  Besides "He who began a good work in me, will be faithful to complete it!"  It is God's job to transform me.  All I need to do is rest.

You are the Light of the World

"If nothing ever changed, there'd be no butterflies."  Author Unknown

Change is exactly what Donnie and  I need.  How many times have we been told or have read that "We are the Light of the World"?  Yet our many personalities seem to be trapped in the darkness of one of the chambers in our mind.  At first, I thought it would be best to exterminate or eliminate all the different personalities that exist.  After contemplation and meditation, it now becomes clear that just as I was created to take care of Donnie,  it is also my duty and challenge to take care of the many individuals that Donnie has created.  Donnie has introduced me to Danny, Dolly, Don, Donn, JT, Donald and Donald William Harbeck.  The others are still afraid to meet with me and watch carefully in the shadows of my mind as Donnie and I work together to assure that our desire is to love each one of these fragmented and dissociative personalities.  Someone reading this might think that I am just a compulsive liar or as one psychiatrist stated, "a malingerer".  Think what you may, but as Shakespeare wrote, "To Thine Own Self Be True!"

"The caterpillar does all the work but the butterfly gets all the publicity." Attributed to GeorgeCarlin

There is a lot of work this worm or this caterpillar needs to do.  Monday and Wednesday we go to a Bipolar support group.  Tuesday is Meditation class and Dual Diagnosis support group and Depression support.  Thursday there are two other support meetings we attend.  Three therapisst have been contacted to help us learn how to manage and cope with mental illness while we journey towards mental wellness.  Between the VA clinic, Casa Esperanza and the Fellowship Club in Santa Barbara, they are certain to help transform this caterpillar into a butterfly.

"What the caterpillar calls the end of the world, the master calls a butterfly."  Richard Bach

"I saw a poet chase a butterfly in a meadow.  He put his net on a bench where a boy sat reading a book.  It's a misfortune that it is usually the other way around."  Karl Kraus

So it with us.  I sit next to the boy reading a book on the bench.

"Just like the butterfly, I too will awaken in my own time."  Deborah Chaskin

Donnie goes deeper into depression

I have no idea what to do.  Donnie continues to go into deeper levels of depression.  He is very mad at me for giving Clyde away.  This was almost a year ago now.  There are a lot of voices in my head and they are suggesting that John Thomas be killed.  This is on account of my thought that it might be better to kill the many voices in my mind.  Since that time, I have decided it would be much better to fuse the personalities together.  Like John Thomas who is the caretaker for Donnie, might I not be able to be the caretaker for all the voices.  However, the other voices are furious and Donnie is running around in circles, crying hysterically.

Most of today, I have no idea who was present in this body.  Most of the day, I have no recollection what occurred.  For the first time I can remember, I was in the chamber of Donnie's mind with him.  There seems to be a broken trust with Donnie and the many other voices.  Most of them are silent and hide in the shadows of the dark chamber where all the personalities live.  Cautiously they watch to see how I handle settling Donnie down.

Only now, as I sit here with you, I ponder the possibility of having Donnie introduce me to all the different voices.  Donn struggles with same sex attraction.  Donnie was an abused child.  The Sandusky trials was of great interest to many of the voices.  Maybe it was Donn who was present in body form for most of the day.  I am uncertain.

One of the psychiatrists suggested that I was malingering.  Yes, I have lived most of my life in Delusions of Grandeur.  Is that malingering when you really believe these things to be true?  Which is crazier;  Having multiple personalities or believing you have multiple personalities?  Complicated by having a borderline personality and being bipolar.  Is it any wonder that this little boy named Donnie goes deeper into depression?

A New Perspective

Usually when I look at the above picture,

This is what I see.  My hope, prayer, desire and dream is to be held in the arms of Jesus.  Although I know I am forgiven, I long to feel God's touch.  However, I am beginning to look at the picture in a new way.  Jesus was the last sacrificial lamb.  Everything about Passover, The Lord's Supper and the Eucharist revolve around our consuming the body and blood of The Lamb.  I am beginning to look at the lamb as Jesus Christ.  My hope, prayer, desire and dream is to hold Jesus Christ in my arms.  To love God.

You might notice the nail scar in my hand.  Simply put, "I have been crucified with Christ, it is no longer I who lives but Christ who lives in me."  As I focus on dying to myself, I open myself for the love of Christ to fill me.

As I learn to love myself and loving God, then I can be obedient to God's call to "Feed his Lambs."

The picture would look something like the one above.  I invite Jesus Christ into my life to work in me, with me and through me by the power of the Holy Spirit to love God and others.

A New Perspective.

I need your input

Look at this picture and tell me what you see.

A Taste of Heaven

Our personality split yesterday between Donnie, a little five year old boy who is mentally ill from the traumas from childhood and his caretaker, John Thomas.  My name is John Thomas.  We were able to get a taste of heaven yesterday.

After helping Ismael, my new Muslim friend get breakfast prepared for the residents at the transitional living facility we live in, my personality split.  Little Donnie found himself hiding under my bed, crying hysterically and his body trembling, I found myself lost in the chamber of his mind.  After several hours, I was able to convince Donnie to exchange places with me and that we would have a wonderful day together.  Donnie agreed.

Donnie loves the color purple.  I took him and showed him that we live in a place where there are purple trees.

Donnie loves to be by the ocean.  Donnie loves to play games.  Donnie loves his sister Linda.  I sent a text to Linda and invited her to a backgammon series.  We ended up playing three series.  We even had a couple of those phoo phoo drinks in a pineapple with one of those colorful paper umbrellas.  Although we were over two thousand miles apart, Donnie really believes that he played backgammon with his sister by the ocean.

I live in Santa Barbara.  Although Santa Barbara is named after a martyred saint, Donnie loves his "Aunty Barb who died and lives in heaven with Jesus."  If you knew his Aunt Barb, you would agree that she was a saint too.

Our backgammon tournament ended because I needed to return to Casa Esperanza to help serve lunch for almost 200 of the homeless in Santa Barbara.
After lunch, I took Donnie up to the Santa Barbara mission which is called the "Queen of the Missions".  Founded on December 4, 1786, it is the 10th mission in California.  I rode my bike to the mission and the first thing we saw was the largest rose garden we had ever seen.

We love flowers.  Donnie loves his mother.  Donnie's mother loves roses.  We were able to send her this picture of some of the roses from this garden.  Although we are far apart, it was a taste of heaven that we could still communicate with each other.

In the afternoon, I met with some Tibetan monks to meditate.  Through meditation, I am learning about my mental illness.  My provider Anna was at the meditation also.  It was great to be able to have a chance to talk after the meditation, away from the Casa.

I called my friend Amy Rosenbaum.  She is a methodist minister who was concerned that I would be having my third heart procedure in West LA and that I would be alone.

"I wish I could be there for you!"  Amy said.

"You are!"  I was delighted to respond.

Mass was being held at 4:00 pm at the Santa Barbara Parish at the Old Mission.  The mission is run by the Franciscan friars.  The mass was "The Solemnity of the Most Holy Body and Blood of Christ."

"This is my body."  Jesus said

"This is my blood."  Jesus continues.

Now take and eat and drink of me."  Implores Jesus.

After mass, I met with the Franciscan priest and asked how I might get involved with the parish and the monastery here in Santa Barbara.  He gave me two numbers to call.

"Heaven on Earth?"  For Donnie and me, we would have to say,
"Today we were given a taste of heaven."

Donnie was elated when I bought him a mood ring.  The ring has eight little butterflies on it.  The coolest thing for Donnie is whenever he is feeling loved, the ring turns purple.  This morning the ring would have been black for depression.
Right now, the ring is purple!

The We Nobody Knows

There are very few professionals in the psychology world that believe in multiple personalities.  Therefore, I find myself in the dilemma of trying to learn about and maintain this psychological disorder on my own.  However, yesterday through meditation, I believe I have been able to shed some light on this topic.

Imagine there are different chambers in your mind.  One of those chambers is the room of your personality.  For me, this room is completely dark.  No furniture.  No light.  Yet there are a bunch of different personalities in that room.  Some of the people are sleeping quietly on the floor.  One little boy is running around in a circle frantic screaming at the top of his lungs.  I hear a little girl crying.  There is a little boy curled in one of the corners "scared almost to death".  There is a man who is trying very hard to attend to all the children.  One man is stuck on thoughts of suicide.

This is a picture of one of the personalities living in this room.  He usually is distraught over the immense amount of of sin from his past.  Although I tell him that he is forgiven, he longs and yearns to be held in the arms of Jesus.  His love language is touch.  He wants to go to heaven to be with Jesus but his prayers are constantly denied.  Don waits for the return of his Savior, feeling unloved and untouched.  The pain of loneliness is almost more than he can bear.

Donn, on the other hand, is sexually driven.  He knows that he is supposed to be attracted to the woman (right).  Yet he is completely sexually attracted to the "drop dead gorgeous hunk of man" (left).  While Don continues to repent for the sins of lust of flesh, envy, and coveting his neighbor's body,  Donn gets lost in the fantasy that this is the day that his prince will come and he hopes to live happily ever after with this man.  His ecstasy is crushed by the agony that once again he fell in love with a heterosexual man.

Don reminds Donn that he needs to wait for The Prince to come.

Donn knows that he is finding an illegitimate way of getting his needs met.  As he embraces the woman, he feels nothing except the love for a sister.  When he embraces this handsome man, he feels his heart pound with passion, every sexual sensation pulsates through his being and for a brief moment he feels the Joy of being touched.

Don lives in great fear that homosexuals will spend eternity in hell.  The duality of these two personalities are in conflict with each other day and night.

I know this man in the picture.  How did he get to the Pride Celebration in Hollywood?  In the chamber I was telling you about, there is a door that exits into the light.  The light is the reality of life.  Only one person can leave and live in the light at a time.  Donn had escaped because he could not be held hostage in that dark room any longer.

Yesterday, little Donnie escaped.  Donnie, I think, is the core personality that has created all the other personalities.  He may have even created me.  I believe Donnie created me because he needed someone to take care of him.  The mental illness had become too much for a little five year old to handle.  He kept asking for help only to be called a "liar" or the new phrase is a "malingerer"!

As I said, yesterday, little Donnie had escaped.  He was so confused and afraid that he literally crawled under the bed, cried hysterically and his entire little body trembled.  Now if you were to see a cute little boy named Donnie Harbeck trying to hide under the bed, what would you want to do?  I am pretty sure you would coax him out from under the bed and hold and hug him and comfort him until he stopped crying and his little body stopped shaking.

The problem is little Donnie lives in a fifty four year old body.  Not so cute.  Actually pretty disturbing.  Usually children are afraid of the monsters that live under the bed.  It breaks my heart to see this little child who lives in such fear.  As I convince Donnie to go back into the dark room, I am able to hug and hold  and comfort him as we exchange places.  Although the touch is but a moment, Donnie is content and is able to find a safe place to fall asleep.

My name is John Thomas and it is my calling to take care of all these personalities.  Once I can work with all these fragmented personalities, I hope and pray that once fused, we can love ourselves.  Once we love ourselves, then we can truly love God and love others.

On a New Path to COEXIST

"Now the Lord said to Abram, "Go from your country and your kindred and your father's house to the land that I will show you.  I will make of you a great nation, and I will bless you, and make your name great, so that you will be a blessing.  I will bless those who bless you, and the one who curses you I will curse, and in you all the families of the earth shall be blessed."  Genesis 12:1-3

First observation:  ALL the families of the earth shall be blessed.

God makes a covenant with Abraham.  Abraham and Sarah get impatient waiting for a child and Sarah gives her Egyptian slave girl whose name is Hagar to bear her husband a son.  The Birth of Ishmael takes place.

Thirteen years later, the sign of God's covenant takes place with the birth of Isaac.  A whole lot of ugly takes place and Sarah says, "Cast out this slave woman with her son; for the son of this slave woman shall not inherit along with my son Isaac."  "The matter was very distressing to Abraham on account of his son.  But God said to Abraham, "Do not be distressed because of the boy and because of your slave woman; whatever Sarah says to you, do as she tells you, for it is is through Isaac that offspring shall be named for you.  As for the son of the slave woman, I will make a nation of him also, because he is your offspring."

Second Observation:  Hagar and Ishmael are banished to the desert.  The angel of God shows up and promises them both that God will make a great nation of him.  "God was with the boy, and he grew up;"

Speed up the story:  Isaac has two twin sons named Esau and Jacob.  Abraham loves Esau and Rebecca loves Jacob.  Esau sells his birthright.  Jacob and Rebecca deceives Isaac who blesses Jacob by mistake.  The Bible follows the lineage of Jacob. 

Third Observation:  Esau marries Ishmael's daughter.  I never remember reading this in the Bible before.  I certainly never heard a sermon on the topic.  "Esau went to Ishmael and took Mahalath daughter of Abraham's son Ishmael, and sister of Nebaioth, to be his wife in addition to the wives he had."

Recently, I met a man named Ismael.  Ismael is the Arabic name for Ishmael.  Yes, Ismael is a muslim.  No, most muslims are not terrorists.  Ismael invited me to his mosque to attend his service today.  I am now reading the Quran.  Ismael is now reading the Bible.

Upside:  Ismael and I are friends.

Downside:  If I become a muslim, they would have to stone me for being a homosexual.  It is an abomination to Allah.

Moral of this story:  We are on a new path to COEXIST.

Walking on a New Path

"Open a new window, open a new door,
travel a new highway that has never been tried before..."

Although the words are from an old musical, this is a new song in my heart.  As I went walking and talking with God today, I sensed that God wanted me to take a new path.  Usually I have the habit of doing the same thing, the same way every single time.  This could be one of the reasons for my insanity.  However, one of the few times in my life I listened to God, I found myself riding on a new path through Santa Barbara.

As I listened to the ocean tide come in and out, I said the Jesus Prayer.
"Lord Jesus Christ, son of God, have mercy on me" I breathed in.
Hold breath.
"A sinner saved by grace."  I would exhale.  Sometimes I would be vocal.  However when others were near, in silence; so that they did not think of me as one of those crazy homeless people.  Although even if I am mentally ill, I have chosen to love myself.

The first gift God had in store for me was seeing a lone dove.  Was this a sign of the Holy Spirit or my Grandma Zoch visiting me from heaven?  All I felt was that God loved me and my Grandma loved me and I loved them. 

"He who began a good work in you, will be faithful to complete it."

As I continued riding my bike through a part of Santa Barbara I had never been, I saw a bunch of sparrows.  I tried to feed them but they kept their distance.

"I sing because I am happy,  I sing because I am free,
if Your (God's) eye is on the sparrow,
then I know You're (God's) watching me."  I sang a song my Grandma Zoch taught me when I was a little child.

As I continued to chase after the sparrows, I found myself in a flowered area of a park and what do you think God had in store for me?  A butterfly.  A single beautiful white butterfly floated and lighted for a moment for God to remind me that this little caterpillar is going to be a beautiful butterfly.

Love Keeps No Record of Wrongs

Loving myself is not going to be easy.

Every time I told myself that I was a child of God, Satan filled my head with the thought, "You are a liar, you are a son of Satan."  He reminded me of sin after sin that I had committed.

God is love.

Love is patient.  I need to be patient with myself.

Love is kind.  I need to be kind to myself.

Love also keeps no record of wrongs.

As I walked along the sand next to the ocean, I thought of the poem, "Footprints".  However, God gave me a different twist to think about.
Every time that Satan reminded me of one of my sins, I watched as my footprints were washed away by the incoming waves.  Even the deadly sins were mentioned

Pride.  Greed.  Envy.  Gluttony.  Lust.  Wrath.

On a beautiful day in Santa Barbara, I walked and talked with God knowing that every one of my sins was forgiven, each and every time I watched the waves wash away my footsteps.

Come to think of it, this may be easier than I thought.  I was happy to mention to God that I did not despair knowing that he had removed my sin as far as the east is from the west.

If God remembers my sin no more, I think I can receive His love and keep no record of wrongs either.

"Hey, do you know what?"

One of my mentors in life was named Father Vincent Dwyer.

He would say, "Hey, do you know what?"

My response was to be "You love me just the way I am."

"What does that say to you about you?"  He continued.

I was supposed to respond that if he could love me, how much more God loves me.

Today my reality is that whether God, Vince or anyone else loves me means nothing if I do not love myself.  I am incapable of receiving love from anyone if I am unable to stop hating myself.  My life has fallen apart.  Homeless, jobless, mentally ill and struggling with a broken heart valve, despair has made me consider suicide as a viable option.

Despair.  Depression.  Hopelessness.

On the road to loving myself, the first issue is the sin of despair.  I had made a positive choice to give up hope.  To stop "running the race".  I had made a terrible error of believing that "my" sin was too large for Jesus Christ and his death on the cross to forgive.  The catholic church considers despair to be a mortal sin.  I agree.  "Repent, for the kingdom of heaven is near."

As I implore God to forgive me, I try to imagine God saying, "Now go and sin no more."  If anyone knows me of any length, you know that for the past decade I have begged and implored God to let me die.  Bring me home to heaven.  This life on earth is too hard for me.  I feel unloved.  The Bible says God gives us the choice of choosing life or death.  Unfortunately, I chose poorly and have been miserable for over ten years chasing after death.

Putting the pieces back together.

No longer am I homeless as I live in a transitional living facility.

Although I hate taking medication, I comply with my doctors and therapists who are treating me for borderline personality, bipolar disorder, paranoia and depression.  The hard part is learning about my mental illness and learning how to manage it.  Pretending there was nothing wrong was not the right answer.

Regarding my heart, I have decided to have the open heart surgery.  I thought God had answered my prayer and that I was told in 2007 that I would not live two years.  This is the year 2012.  My response was always, "The God who gave me a broken heart valve is the same God who can fix it."  Having worked through some foggy areas of my mental illness, it became clear that there was no reason for God to heal me miraculously as he continues to work miracles through the gifted hands of these doctors.  The charismatics would call this the gift of healing.

Regarding a job, I just completed a two year culinary arts program and was hired but I need to postpone my hire date due to the heart surgery this summer.

Loving myself is foreign to me.  Almost seems unbiblical.  However, God is love.  God created me in His image.  Therefore, loving myself is the first stage to loving God.  As I continue to trust and obey God, I show God that I love him.  God commands me to love others as oneself.  Love is full circle.  Never ending.

"Hey, do you know what?"

"I love me just the way I am."