My Mental Health is Deteriorating

There are no longer any expectations of having anyone read this.  I write, only for the reason of trying to maintain the little sanity that I have left.  The truth of the matter is that my mental health is deteriorating.

First, my entire left side of my body is in chronic pain.  There is constant throbbing in the back of my brain like a remote control that is broken and continues to change channels, pause, and then change the channel again.  Over and over.  Day and night.  With no money, I am unable to see the chiropractor who would be able to adjust my neck, back and hip.  My heart hurts.  Not from the broken heart valve but from being unable to receive love from any human being.  My only two sources of love were Baby and Clyde and I have no idea where there are.  Last I knew they were in LA county.  I now live in Santa Barbara County.

My legs do not work anymore.  With the tremendous pain in my left hip, I hobble and stumble around like the local town drunk.  Unfortunately, I am sober.  My equilibrium is gone so often the muscles in my leg go out and I fall to the pavement.  The only good news is that I have relief from the hammer toe that presses against the callous on my little baby toe which causes me to wince with each step I take.

That is only the physical.  What concerns me the most is that my mental health is deteriorating.  I no longer wish to be alive.  With my last psychotic break, I have lost touch with reality.  My delusions of Grandeur have me living in the VA version of "One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest" and in the prison scene from "Chicago".  I can only see the two female managers as Nurse Ratchet and the Warden.  I asked to live in Ventura and Uncle Sam sent me to Santa Barbara.

I am in a living Hell.   I live in the most beautiful wine country in America and I am forbidden to ever drink a drop of wine ever again.  They even protest to my partaking in the Eucharist at my local Catholic church.  Failure to maintain complete sobriety are grounds to have me back on the streets. homeless again.  Living in their prison even forbids me to receive mail at the address.  Even today, I was denied a library card.  The librarian suggested I use a family or friends address.  The problem is I have no friends or family in Santa Barbara.  Actually, I do not know anyone at all in Santa Barbara.  Well, Ellen Degeneres but that is just another delusion of grandeur of mine.

Last Saturday, I had almost no energy to get out of bed at all.  I managed to do one thing.  I walked, well, stumbled to the local Rite Aid to get a nail file.  After eating dinner, I returned to wait to die in my bed, only to have one of the 24 inmates in my dorm tell me that I should just kill myself and he left a razor blade stuck in the wood of the railing of my bunk bed.

Sunday was almost no different.  I returned to the Rite Aid to purchase a Master lock.  Nurse Ratchet told me if they did not have a copy of the key to my locker that my lock would be cut off.  One of the female inmates told me to jump off the ledge of the balcony that I was sitting on.  I contemplated.

Monday was the nightmare at the California DMV.  After Catholic charities was kind enough to give me a voucher for a state ID.  I was informed that I needed $162.00 for my California plates.  $59.95 for the Admissions test which I will fail.  God only knows how much money it will cost me to get the repairs needed to turn off the three engine lights on my dashboard.  If I did not have the money for the state ID, where do they expect me to find the money needed for the vehicle to be in compliance with state code.  My Buick Century is REALLY my house not my car.  The prison that I live at will not let me exceed the locker compartment for storage they have given me.  Imagine everything you own to be stored in your car and the stress and fear that your car will be towed and impounded.  Once towed, the fines will continue to be added up and I will be put in a different prison for failure to pay.  I am unable to sell the car as it does not meet California code.  The stress is TOO much for me.

Tuesday instead of looking for work, I was so exhausted from sleep deprivation that I went to the Santa Barbara zoo.  My bunk is next to the exit light and the bathroom.  Having 24 guys up and down all night long going to the bathroom keeps me up.  Being light sensitive, I barely sleep because of the exit sign light and the bathroom light going off and on.  However, the main source of sleep deprivation comes from the over one half dozen men who snore like monsters.  One is next to me, another below me, and another across from me.  I am in hell.  At the zoo, I had the delusion of grandeur that I was Dr. Doolittle and almost climbed into the lion cage to pet the lions.  I just wanted to talk to them.  A zoo employee started a conversation with me.  Maybe it was one of God's angels sent to protect me.  Who knows?

Wednesday I had an Incredible lunch at Casa Esperanza.  After leaving, I seriously thought about walking in front of the Amtrack train and just ending it all.  As the train raced past me, I felt that I had chosen poorly as I stood and watched the train pass me by just as I have watched my life pass before my eyes.  Although pathetic as it may be, I just want to die.  There is no wife, children and grandchildren in my future.  Homosexuality makes me suicidal.  Six months and I am unable to find a job.  Exhausted, I just went back to the zoo.  Not to talk to the animals.  Just to sleep.

How I dream of sleeping and never waking up again.

Eternal rest until Jesus comes back.

My dream is merely a nightmare.  Today is Thursday and  I have punished you by having you read this mess.

By the way, how was your week?



I hope and pray it was much better than mine.