Let's Have a Kiki

Happy New Year! 

Count Your Blessings

One of the first blessings was that we were able to get the poor soul who was running around in circles screaming, to settle down.  Donnie's mental health seems to be deteriorating.  There are many voices in his head.  Several of these voices are children.  One is very violent.  Another just rocks back and forth.

Donnie and I had an idea.  Let's try to get the little children to work on a project together.  What better song is there than "Count Your Blessings"!  We went to You Tube and pulled up this old rendition.

The children do not sound quite as good as this famous quartet but we like to let them think so.

Here is another version by Bing Crosby.

As we continue to Count Our Blessings ~  the list would not be complete without YOU!

We hope you have a Happy New Year!!!

What am I supposed to do?

Donnie suffers from multiple personality disorder.  Unfortunately, I do not know how to help the personality that is present.  I do not even know his name.  All he does is run around in circles and screams, "I can't take it anymore.  I can't take it anymore."

All I can do is wait.  Wait for him to become exhausted and settle down.  Either that or wait for Donnie to show up.  Nevertheless, I sit and wait and pray.  Eventually, I will take him to the VA clinic and if necessary, we will have him admitted to the psychiatric ward at the VA hospital in West LA.  My heart goes out to this poor soul who is frantic with pain and turmoil.

Is the number one reason for depression - Unthankfulness?

Bible help to Overcome Personal Depression!

Within the Pages of the Bible are the answers to man's most pressing needs. At this moment, you may be very discouraged about life. Life may now appear to you as an endless, tragic treadmill, not really worth living or having. Perhaps you are saying, right now, life holds nothing for me, it is only a bum rap, a lousy trip. Nobody loves me; nobody cares if I live or die. In the midst of your despair, and your doubt, and frustration, and hopelessness, I want you to realize that Jesus Christ offers to you another view of life; a view that is truly beautiful. Jesus has some special words for us: He said, "I came that they may have life, and have it more abundantly" (John 10:10). With these words, Jesus lifts life above the physical realm and assures us that the abundant life has a divine and eternal quality. The Bible tells us that we were created in the very image or likeness of God, and you can be sure that if God made us like himself, then our lives must have tremendous meaning, destiny, and purpose. Jesus came to give each of us a good life. And you can enjoy the benefits of that abundant life right here on the face of this earth. Life can have many beautiful moments which you can and should enjoy and cherish. It is very true, of course, that life has it's high and it's low points. Being moody and despondent on a temporary basis is a natural part of every personality. However, please don't allow your deep and despondent moods to control your very being. I know that you may be tempted to blame yourself unduly for all the things that ever go wrong. You may want to punish yourself and others for the deep personal problems which you encounter. However, the abundant life which Jesus gives prepares our hearts with a mature love which can endure pain and suffering. The Apostle Paul says that this mature love "bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never fails . . . " (I Corinthians 13:7,8). Please listen to me very closely. It is important that you understand this. God really cares for you. In John 3:16, we read, "For God so loved the world, that He gave His only begotten Son, that whoever believes in Him should not perish, but have eternal life". There are Christian people who really care for you too. We care whether you live or die. We want you to experience and enjoy that abundant life in Christ. We want to introduce you to that love that never fails. John also tells us in I John 4:18, "There is no fear in love; but perfect love casts out fear . . .". This love really can be yours and you can have and enjoy a life that is meaningful and purposeful. If you would enjoy life, then serve the giver of life - God. Again, the Apostle John says in I John 5:3,4, "For this is the love of God, that we keep His commandments; and His commandments are not burdensome. For whatever is born of God overcomes the world; and this is the victory that has overcome the world - our faith". Depression has become our nation's number one emotional illness, and it is increasing steadily. Rising suicide rates, especially among the young, show the final end to which depression takes people. Broken, unhappy homes and wasted lives are often the result of unfettered depression. Some depression is good because it tells us we need to stop and take stock, have a rest, or perhaps have a physical examination to see if there is a medical problem that needs to be cared for. However, depression is most often the result of a selfish, self-pitying, ungrateful heart. The wise Solomon said: "For as he thinketh in his heart, so is he" (Proverbs 23:7. In discussing depression, we must believe fully that God has a remedy for every problem and that we can-go to Him for help. Here are some positive, Biblical steps to take to overcome depression: Recognize that God created you in His image and therefore you are good. He wants you to be happy. He gave His only begotten Son so that you might have eternal life (John 3:16). Abraham Lincoln once said, "Most folks are as happy as they make up their minds to be." Believe that God is faithful to do what He has promised for you. Look for His abundant life. God has promised to meet our every-need (Phil. 4:19; Eph. 3:20; Matt. 7:11). It is not ours to worry about food, clothing and shelter. God has promised that if we seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, He will add these material things to us (Matthew 6:25-33). Let His spirit dwell in your richly, causing you to have a song in your heart, an attitude of thanksgiving and a submissive spirit (Eph. 5:19-21). No misery or depression can exist in such a heart. Practice thanksgiving and praising the Lord for all things. To praise the Lord when things are going against your will is to show a submissive spirit. Be thankful in everything (I Thess. 5:18). , Think on positive things, things that are true, honest, just, pure, lovely and of good report (Phil 4:8). Realize that all things do work together for good to them that love the Lord (Romans 8:28). Do not dwell on past unhappy experiences, bad news in the world today, or ways in which life seems to have cheated you. Think about all the ways life has been a blessing to you. Have a forgiving spirit. Bad feelings or unforgiven hurts toward your fellow beings can cause you to feel very depressed. Telling others you are sorry you have wronged them or that you have forgiven them for something they have done to you in the past can often be the most therapeutic means of bringing about a peaceful heart.

How Many Bells Would You Ring?

The best part of Christmas for me this year was attending the Midnight mass at Trinity Episcopal Church in Santa Barbara, California.  My friend Andor invited me to attend the service with him.  I was delighted to have someone to go to mass.  This church practices what they preach as they volunteer at the Casa Esperanza on a weekly basis.  Their pastor is the one of our Chaplains.

The choir was marvelous.  The church was in all it's glory with all the Christmas decorations.  When you looked at the altar, you were amazed at the beauty of the manger scene. Hundreds of candles flickering and glowing.  Fragrance of incense from Bethlehem wafting in the air.  However, the most meaningful part of the night was when the pastor gave the sermon.

The sermon was partly about the horror that took place in Newtown, Conneticutt.  As he
 reminded us of the unfortunate 26 souls that were gunned down in cold blood, the nation asked all the churches across the country to toll the bell chimes 26 times in honor of these dearly prematurely departed individuals.  However, many of the churches decided to ring their bells 28 times.  28  is the total number of souls lost their lives that day.  I wonder how many times I would toll the church bells?  How many bells would you ring?

O Holy Night

For years, people have been telling Donnie and Bobby that the last day of the world would be on 21 December 2012.  This was the last day on the Mayan calendar.  Well, here we are at the Mental Health Center Christmas party in Santa Barbara.  One of the therapists asked me me what my favorite thing about Christmas was?  My answer is Midnight mass on Christmas eve with someone who knows how to sing "O Holy Night".  I also like the part where everyone lights a candle from one and sings, "Silent Night".  Hope you enjoy the music as much as I do.  Merry Christmas.

I Need Thee Every Hour

Give Me Jesus

Give Me Jesus

Dreams Can Come True

Everyone is so excited about dreaming about the future.

Dolly wants to be a performer.

Donnie wants to be a dancer.

Bobby wants to be a singer.

Danny dreams about being a vampire.  Sounds like a nightmare to me butt he has always been a little bit on the dark side.

Joe hopes to go the Air Force Academy and then be a Chaplain in the military.

Wondering what I dream?  Wondering what you dream?

I Dreamed a Dream

Susan Boyle was unemployed, relatively old to start a new career and did not fit into the mold of being a beautiful singer.  However, Susan Boyle had a dream.  Dolly fits the same mold as Susan.

This has caused the rest of us to ponder and contemplate what our dream might be.

Many of us have had our lives shattered by broken dreams.  Some of us have been so distraught that suicide was considered as a viable option.  The past is the past.  Right?  There is no better time like the present to dream new dreams.  Pray new prayers.  Seek what makes us different and give that gift to the world.

There is only one question which remains.  What is your dream?

Henry the Eighth

What a day at the Mental Health Facility!  There is a man who runs walks around all day insisting that he is Henry the Eighth reincarnated.  Not only is he Henry the Eighth, King of England but the unknown truth is that the King was gay. 

Donnie knows someone who wanted to be Prince Charles so he would be able to marry Princess Diana.  He also knows someone else who designed his Madrigal outfit after King Henry the Eighth.

Donnie looked over at me and said, "They all are pretty silly, aren't they?"

"Silly Indeed."  I smiled.

We also met someone who told us she was the daughter of Lee Harvey Oswald.  What a horrible life she has led being tormented by everyone as being the one who's Dad killed the president of the United States.  Whether this is true or a delusion, she has been driven "Mad" by this belief.

"I remember being Donnie's age, when the President John F. Kennedy was shot.  I was at Carl Sandburg grade school.  They closed the school and sent us all home.  I will never forget that day."  Another member of the center said.  "But Life goes on.!"

Today was Bingo day.  It was the first day that Donnie and Bobby played.  They both won a dollar.  I did not win a dime.  When Donnie yelled, "Bingo" he was so excited you would have thought he won a million dollars.  A little bit later, Bobby won with even more enthusiasm.  He had been happy for Donnie but sad that he had not won.  Now with two little kids who thought they were the richest boys on earth, they begged me to take them to the dollar store.

Oh the simple joys that come with youth!

From My Mouth to God's Ears

Actually I enlisted the help of the Righteous Brothers to help me.  One day I hope to be a righteous brother too.  There is a song in my heart and I pray God hears me.

While I am praying Lord, I beg that you grant me a voice to be able to sing like this!!!

Oh What a Beautiful Morning

The good thing about being Bi Polar is although you have your "downs", you also have your "ups"! When I woke up this morning, there was a song in my heart.  Silently,  since I was still in the men's dorm, I started to sing "Oh What a Beautiful Morning" from the musical Oklahoma.  The breeze from the ocean was wafting through the Casa Esperanza.  Truly, this place is my House of Hope. After I attended the duo diagnosis group at the mental health facilty, I was happy to set up the chess board for Bobby and Donnie.  They both are getting pretty good and both very competitive.  Craig and Paul were playing chess at another table.  My friend David wanted to play Chess 4.  Chess 4 is a four side chess board with four people playing, each against the other.  Fortunately, two staff members, Ian and Ryan were available to play also.  Dolly had taken my advice and was practicing singing with the karaoke machine.  Some of the worst singers I have ever heard are present on Tuesday to sing so Dolly fit right in.  The good thing about Drag Queens is they usually lip sync.  However, the boys and I applauded loudly every time Dolly got up to sing,

This is my world now.  I love it!  Thank you for being part of it!

I Will Never Give Up

I will never give up.  I will never give up.  I will never give up!

The last couple of years, there has been setback after setback.  I keep reminding God that he promises not to ask more than I can handle.  God thinks and knows that I can.  As cliche as it may sound, "If at first you do not succeed, try, try again" rings true for me.

So I picked myself up and brushed myself off and headed to the Mental Health Facility.  Guess who I run into?  Dolly Reynolds.  Dolly Reynolds is a Drag Queen who like me suffers from Bi Polar Disorder.  He/She was in quite a state.  What is the best thing I can do?  Listen.  As she told me his/her story, I felt that I could relate to her pain.  Her pain is her pain.  My pain is my pain.  However, being in pain, I was able to understand, empathize and listen.  Just Listen.

When she was done, I challenged her to learn the words to "Ain't Down Yet" by Debbie Reynolds from The Unsinkable Molly Brown.  Honestly, how can you be a drag queen if you can not do Debbie Reynolds.

It is Well with My Soul

Today was one of those horrible days.  Being homeless and jobless; recovering from open heart surgery, having no money has taken it's toll on me.  I am being pushed to the edge of all that I can handle.  This morning either I misplaced or someone stole my cell phone.  For me, this is almost the straw that broke the camel's back.

However, I remember when I tried being a Mormon, I flew to Salt Lake City to the semi annual conference.  The Mormon Tabernacle Choir, this Mormon Tabernacle Choir sang the song, "It is Well With My Soul"!  With ever fiber of my being I try to remember the peace and contentment I felt when I heard these words.

Will I find my phone?  I have no idea.  Do I believe in a God who will help me through this trial?  All I can do is recite scripture.  "Consider it pure joy my friends when you face trials and temptations of every kind."

Be joyful always.  Pray Continually.  Give thanks for all things.

Feed the Birds

The best thing in the world for these two little boys, Bobby and Donnie was to meet each other.  Now like two peas in a pod, they did not want to be apart from each other.  When Bobby's mom came to pick him up, she was bombarded with pleas and false promises that they would always be good and do everything they were asked.  I apologized that I had no idea what the two had planned in private.  Normally, Ms. Andrews does not like to be backed into the corner but she had a soft spot for these two little boys who were so happy. After dinner, Bobby asked his mother if they would be able to watch Mary Poppins.  They promised to go right to bed after this movie as this was their first sleep over.  Ms. Andrews knew that the boys would be up half the night clowning around, but nevertheless, she agreed. When I went to pick up Donnie this morning, the roles were reversed.  Both boys bombarded me with wanting to spend the sunny beautiful Santa Barbara day together.  After asking Bobby's mom, we were off on our first adventure. "Bobby, what would you like to do?" "Let's go feed the birds!"  Simultaneously the boys exclaimed.

They might not be pigeons nor is this St. Paul's cathedral, but seagulls and the ocean are quite a remarkable sight.  With several bags of bread from Trader Joe's that had to be thrown away from the Casa Esperanza, we were off to the beach.  The weather today was 78 degrees.  A cold day in California :)  While we were feeding the seagulls, it made me think of another Disney movie.  The scene in Finding Nemo with all the seagulls screeching "Mine."  Mine."  Mine."  I made me smile. When we ran out of bread, I asked Donnie, "What would you like to do?" In sync, the two boys yelled, "Let's go fly a kite." I wonder where they get these ideas.

When You Wish Upon a Star

Donnie wanted to go to the Fellowship Club today.  He wanted to meet Bobby.  Donnie and Bobby instantly clicked.  Almost magical.  The first thing these two five year old boys had in common was that their favorite Disney character is Jiminy Cricket.  They both came running to me beggingthat we would be able to watch the movie Pinocchio together.  As I popped up some popcorn and got Bobby and Donnie their favorite soft drink.  I asked these "two soon to be bouncing off the wall" kids what their favorite movie candy was.  The question was rhetorical but they both do not know the meaning of that word yet. 

"Raisenettes!"  Donnie exclaimed.

"Sour Patch Kids!"  Roared Bobby.

As we hopped unto the couch, Bobby and Donnie sat so close together, one would think they were siamese twins.  They wanted to be able to share their candy with each other.  I started the dvd and we all enter the Disney world of animation and imagination.

I wonder what Donnie would be dreaming about tonight?

When Bobby saw a star this evening, I wonder what Bobby would wish.

As for me, one of my dreams came true.  To find a friend for Bobby and Donnie.

Looking at the Man in the Mirror

There is a man at the Mental Health Facility named Jimmy.  Jimmy has been so depressed and distraught over his missing black sweatshirt hoodie.  He can not figure out whether it fell off his bike or someone stole it from him.  Not only was it his sweatshirt but the contents in the pockets that had him downward spiraling.  In the pockets, there was a bike light and a bottle of incense called Serenity that he uses for meditation.

As I listened and pondered, it became clear that I was looking at the man in the mirror. 

"Jimmy, did the fellowship club give you the sweatshirt? "

"Yes."  Jimmy replied.

"Marlin gave you the bike light, right?"

"Right."

"The incense was given to you by Anna, correct?"

"Correct."

As I asked each question, a chord rang in my heart.  I also get so attached to things.  Thinking of the throwing away most of my possessions before I moved to California still has me traumatized.

"Jimmy, instead of thinking that you lost or someone stole your things, may I make a suggestion?

"Sure!"  Jimmy said.

"The Lord gives and the Lord takes away.  Maybe consider the thought that God needed your things for a homeless person to stay warm, be able to light his path and to find some Serenity?"

"That's nice.  I really like that."  Jimmy seemed a relieved.

My new friend Bobby

There is a little five year old boy who I have met at the Mental Health Center.  One of the sweetest human beings I have ever known.  For confidentiality purposes, let's call him Bobby.  Bobby is a scared little boy who has been traumatized by being molested at a very young age.  He often sits by himself and rocks back and forth.  Bobby likes to play card games and I am teaching him how to play chess.

While we were playing chess today, he mentioned that he wishes that someone would just be able to hold him like he sees when he watches movies.  The bible verse, "I have been crucified with Christ and it is no longer I who lives but Christ who lives in me!"  Galatians 2:20  came to my mind.  For anyone who has known me for any amount of time, you know this is one of my favorite scripture verses.  One year I contemplated and pondered daily for a year as to exactly how this was possible.  Today everything became crystal clear to me.

"Bobby, would you like me to give you a big "ole" bear hug?"  I asked.

Hesitantly and frightened, Bobby said, "Yes, that would be nice."

Slowly and carefully with another staff member watching me, I gave Bobby a hug.  Bobby squeezed so tight.  Actually, I was quite surprised how strong his embrace was.  After a few moments, I went to release the hug but Bobby squeezed tighter.  Bobby and I sat there for several minutes in the big "ole" bear hug" I promised.  I could feel his tears dripping on my neck.  This made me start to cry as I was beginning to understand the love of Jesus.

Faith is waiting on things hoped for

FAITH

by Patrick Overton

When you walk to the edge of all the light you have
and take the first step into the darkness of the unknown,
you must believe that one of two things will happen:

There will be something solid for you to stand upon,
or, you will be taught how to fly,


Those who wait on the Lord will renew their strength,
they will run and not grow weary,
they will be lifted up on the wings of eagles. 


Rivers belong where they can ramble,
eagles belong where they can fly.
I've got to be where my spirit can be free,
Got to find my corner of the sky.
   A song from the musical, Pippin


Although my life is falling apart and I am on the brink of insanity,
I trust and have the faith to hope that God will put it all back together.

Faith is waiting on things hoped for!