I Have Confidence...

No longer do I have confidence in me.  One of the best lessons that I have ever learned is that I need to have confidence in God.  Please God, hear my prayer.

Why do I relate primarilly to songs sung by women?  Strange, I know.

A Taste of Heaven

Sometimes God gives us a taste of heaven.  I live at the Garden Street apartments in Santa Barbara.  The floral and greenery are absolutely beautiful.  In the last couple of days, I have been going down to the 99 cent store and picking up some beautiful plants for the inside of the apartment.  So far, I have two green ivy plants, a minature red rose bush, and a purple plant.  I have no idea what the name of it is but it is purple so you know I love it. 

Today the sun is shining and you would think it was summer for as warm as it is.  Without a doubt, I plan on going to the ocean which is only a few blocks from my home.  Hopefully, I remember to bring bread to feed the seagulls.  Last time I forgot and the birds seemed quite annoyed with me.  They can be quite unforgiving at times.

Thanks to PATH (People Assisting The Homeless), I continue my journey on a new path.  It has taken dozens, maybe hundreds, of people to help me regroup after being homeless, jobless and recovering from open heart surgery.  For all those of you who have helped or have prayed for me, thank you so much from the bottom of my heart.  I have no idea what path God plans for me in the future.  However, God has given me a taste of heaven here in Santa Barbara.

Peace, Love and Joy to you and yours!

Only Jesus Can Satisfy Your Soul

If a picture can paint a thousand words, what would a song look like?

Then Jesus told his disciples,

"If anyone come after me, deny himself and take up his cross and follow me."  Matthew 16:24

If you do not know by now, Donnie suffers from multiple personalities or disassociative disorder.  Yesterday, we had to put to death one of those personalities.  There will be no more discussion or conversations of a man named Donald.  His sole purpose and desire was to become rich and famous.   Last night, the Oscars were on television.  We could not watch and bear the pain from this side of the television.  Donald would have all these "Delusions of Grandeur", how one day, he would be accepting one of those awards.  He used to try to decide what he would wear and whom he would want to escort him.  The time has come, long overdue, that Donald must find a place to rest in peace.

Donnie has agreed with me that we want to seek after Jesus.  Therefore, we will deny ourself by putting to death the hope and desire to become rich and famous.  We will take up our cross and follow Jesus.  What does that mean to take up our cross?  What would that look like?  We are uncertain.  However, we are certain, through prayer, God will reveal what His will is for us.

All we need to do is...Listen.

Here I am Lord

When words are many, sin is not absent

but he who holds his tongue is wise.  Proverbs 10:19

Having lived for over a half century now, I think I have finally learned this lesson.  Call me a slow learner.  The important thing is I have finally learned this lesson.

Even in my prayer life, I have learned that words are not necessary.  God knows my heart.  What I try to do now is to remain silent.  In the silence, I open my heart to the one who created me.  God knows every fiber of my being.  He knows how many hairs are on my head.  I do not even know that number.  He also knows that the number of hairs on my head are becoming less while the number of hairs on my back, in my nose and on and in my ears are increasing.  Pretty gross, I know.  However, in spite of that all, I sense that God truly loves me.

Instead of bringing a wish list as if God were a Genie in a magic lamp, what I focus on now is to listen.  Listen to God.  He has a plan for the remainder of my life.  If I sit quiet before Him, maybe I will be able to hear what His plan is.  Sometimes I sense that He has no plan for me at all.  What I believe touches God's heart is that I just want to be with Him.  God created me to be in a relationship with Him.  Truly that is God's plan.  Even when Jesus walked this earth, He said, "I call you friends."

Jesus Christ wants to be my best friend.  He awaits patiently to see if I want to be best friends with Him.  The answer in the past has not always been yes.  However, at this one moment in time, there is nothing that brings me greater Joy.  Is Jesus Christ your best friend?

Counting My Blessings

My new objective in life is to focus on how truly blessed I am.  God has been incredibly good to me.  There is no reason for Him to be so good as I believe I am the worst example of a Christian known to man.  If Paul had not claimed the title, "the greatest sinner", it certainly would be mine.

Here are just a few examples of how blessed I was on Wednesday.

On Tuesday, I had no dishes in my apartment.  Yesterday Marjorie Ferguson gave me an entire stoneware set for four.  She also gave me sheets and towels along with other odds and ends.

There was so much stuff that I would be unable to carry everything on the bus.  A veteran by the name of Charlie offered to drive me back and forth to pick up my new treasures.  However, before Charlie could take me, Barbara heard me talking on the phone at the Mental Wellness Center.  She just happened to be going to the county building which is right next to the VA clinic.  Being at the right place at the right time?  I don't think so.  I believe it was Divine intervention.

As I was running errands, I ran into three of my new friends.  It was so good to see Michael, Celia, and Jamie.  Again Divine intervention.  Have not seen any of these friends for months.

As I was riding my bike, my wallet fell out of my pocket.  Although there was no money in it, all my identification was.  I pleaded with God that He would help me find my wallet.  God is SO good to me.  He showed me where I had dropped my wallet on State Street, the busiest street in Santa Barbara.

A friend of mine took a picture off of her wall and gave it to me to put on mine.  She said, "A house can not become a home until you have a picture on the wall."  I love her.  Guess what the picture is?
You are so smart.  How did you guess "A Butterfly"?

Day by Day

Dear God~

Today I wish to sing a song to you.  "Day by Day" from Godspell.

"Day by day, three things I pray~

To see thee more clearly,
Love thee more dearly,
Follow thee more nearly.

Day by day"!

Your adopted child,

John Thomas

Dear God~

Dear God~

If I were only allowed to be granted one prayer from you, I would ask you to teach me how to be selfless.  Most of my life has been wasted on foolish goals.  I have coveted to be rich and famous.  If you look up in a dictionary the word, "selfish", there is a good chance you will find my picture as an example.  Please forgive me for my foolishness. 

Thank you God for prompting me to have a change in heart.  Truly "He who began a good work in me will be faithful to complete it".  I used to brag to the world that I was the "spoiled child of God".  Now I abhor how selfish I was.

Trusting you~

John Thomas

Letters to God

If you have not seen the movie, "Letters to God", it is a Must see.  Based on a true story, you learn of a seven year old boy who struggles for his life as he is dying from Cancer.  Tyler has incredible faith in God and mails God a letter on a daily basis.  Do not want to tell you anymore, lest I ruin it for you.

Tyler and his life is an inspiration to me.  Today my letter to God would read:

"Dear God,

Thank you for the lesson that I have learned from Tyler.  Please help me to renew that child-like faith in you like I once had.  Forgive me for all the times that I spent complaining instead of thanking you for how truly blessed I am.  With the time I have left, help me to keep the communication lines open with you by writing my own "Letters to God".

I love you~

John Thomas"

Burlesque

Donnie, Bobby, Danny and Doug are on their quest to find The Holy Grail.  Last time I saw them they were having a fantastic time in Candy Land.

Dolly has been performing where ever she can.  Donald went in search for her last night.  Donald is a friend of Donnie's who is mentally ill.  He gets lost in his Delusions of Grandeur.  If he were to go to Hollywood, he would not understand why he could not find the nightclub called Burlesque at 8080 Sunset Blvd.  "The Best View on Sunset Boulevard" would elude him.  Donald has been in love with Cher his entire life.  When Sonny and Cher divorced, he was certain that they would meet and their new name would be Donny and Cher.  He would be so happy being called "Mr. Tess."

"One thing is for certain",  Donald said.  "You have not seen the "LAST OF ME"!

As for me, after going downtown and watching the people and seeing all the bright lights, I went back to my apartment.  It was wonderful to make whatever I wanted for dinner.  Lit some candles and took a hot bubble bath.  It had almost been two years since I had been able to take a bath.  Shower?  Yes.  But a bath.  Total luxury.  I crawled into my bed, fluffed the pillows and watched a movie.

"What movie?"  You ask.

"Burlesque!"  Was there ever a doubt?

Downtown

What an incredible day in Santa Barbara.  The sky is blue and the sun is shining.  Life in the new apartment is wonderful.  One of the best things is I can walk two blocks and I am in the midst of Downtown.  No need to ever be blue when I can sing Petula Clarkl's song "Downtown"!

My New Favorite Song

This is my new favorite song.

Hope you enjoy it!

What is your favorite song?

Single Awareness Day

One of my dearest friends calls today "Single Awareness Day".  It is one of the hardest days for some single people to cope with.  For my friend and anyone else who struggles, this song is for you!

Happy Single Awareness Day!

Remember I love you!!!

I Don't Know How to Love Him

There was a time when I thought I wanted to be a monk.  Truth be told.  I will really be much happier as a hermit.  A hermit is a person living in solitude as a religious discipline.  Another definition is any person living in solitude or seeking to do so.  This suits me fine.

Yesterday instead of going to church, I decided to invite Jesus Christ over for dinner.  He accepted.  Dinner was simple.  We had vegetable eggrolls for an appetizer.  I made a salad of mixed greens and chopped tomatoes with a Catalina dressing.  On top I sprinkled the most beautiful blackberries.  They were so juicy and sweet.  For dinner, I made the best bacon, lettuce and tomatoe sandwiches.  I know what you are thinnking.  "You served Jesus, bacon?"  Right?  That was all I had in the refrigerator.  Thinking that if I served water in huge wine glasses, Jesus might change it into wine.  It was Ash Wednesday.  Well, it remained water.  For dessert, we had passion fruit sorbet.  Delicious!

We talked.  Well, I talked mostly.  Jesus listened.  Told Jesus my plans for the Lenten season.  No chocolate.  Doing daily acts of kindness.  However, the most time was spent on "I don't know how to love Him.  What to do?  How to please Him."  Jesus knew how I bounced back and forth with my sexuality.  We agreed that what I need to do is to stop riding that rollercoaster ride.  What would please Him was if I honored my vow to remain single for His purposes.

I asked Jesus Christ if He would be my Valentine?

He opened his arms and said "Yes,"

 

Happy Valentine's Day!!!

Ash Wednesday

Today is Ash Wednesday.  Forty days until Easter.

This year for Lent I am giving something up that I would never imagine possible.  For the next forty days, I am going to give up chocolate.  Insane, right?  Usually I give up brussel sprouts or kimche, (Korean rotten cabbage).  However, this year, I wish to show extra gratitude to God for ending my homelessness.  For me, there are five food groups and my main one is chocolate.  This will take extreme discipline on my part to make this forty day journey.  It will be a special time of prayer and fasting for me.

What I thought would be a very positive thing to do would be to do daily acts of kindness.  Although this is something that should already be taking place, I must admit I have fallen short.  This is an example of what fulfilling the great commandment would look like.

Love God.  Love Others.

May you have a Blessed Lenten Season!

Maybe This Time

What better way could I celebrate Fat Tuesday other than moving into my new apartment.  Being homeless may be one of the best lessons I have ever learned.  It taught me to be a more compassionate human being.  However, having been homeless, it was awful to be treated like a loser.  The general population thinks the homeless are drunks or drug addicts.  Many are.  Some think the homeless are only criminals or lazy.  Some are.  The question many forget to ask is "How did they get that way?"  Every homeless person has a different story.

Most of the paperwork I have filled out for the past two years is stamped HOMELESS.  Your name is not important.  You are put into a category.  You are treated different.  People avoid you.  It can be downright painful and depressing.  No longer do I wish to focus on the negative.

Today I am a winner!  Yes, I was chosen and given an apartment.  Dozens of social workers, volunteers, staff members of Casa Esperanza poured time, energy and resources into changing my status.  According to the last report, there are 1053 homeless in Santa Barbara.  Today there is one less.  All these people made a difference in one person's life.  Tomorrow they will start again in hopes of helping one more homeless person become a winner!

My name is John Thomas and I live on Garden Street in Santa Barbara.

CELEBRATE

Celebrate Good Times with Me!

God is SO good to me!  I just moved into my own apartment today.  "How do you move into an apartment with no money and/or no job?" you ask.  Trust God for a miracle.

I am homeless no longer.  The Casa Esperanza has been an amazing transitional living facility.  The staff has loved me as if I were their own family.  Many staff members will be life long friends.

Thank you so much to Michael Payne who has offered to fly me back to Chicago and was willing to let me live with him AND pay all my expenses.  His offer will be a gift I treasure forever.

The End of the Beginning

The Perfect Day

The sun was bright on a warm winter day in Santa Barbara.  There was an amazing breeze that brought in the fresh ocean air.  It was almost impossible not to meditate as you could breathe in and out with each wave that the tide brought in.  The breeze seemed to be in perfect harmony as I could repeat my mantra, and feel my entire body relax.  The seagulls were soaring and floating in the air above me.  They did not seem to be too disappointed that I did not bring them bread.  The squirrels on the other hand, seemed a little annoyed as they sat up and chattered at me.  There I sat basking in how good God is to me.

"John Thomas!  There you are.  I have been looking all over for you."

"Michael Zwermerman!  It is SO good to see you."  I said.

"How are you?"  Michael asked.

"Doing great."  I said.  "How did you know where to find me."

"When I found out you were not at the Casa, I knew exactly where to find you."

Michael used to stay at the transitional living facility where I live.  He moved to Long Beach several months ago as he was recently married.  I had not seen or heard from him since he left.

"What brings you to Santa Barbara?"  I asked.

"I came here to see you.  I wanted to tell you that I am going to be a father."  His wife is 13 weeks pregnant.  Michael is a bad boy.  Handsome, young, smart and trained in mixed martial arts and street fighting.  I guarantee you, you would not want to mess with him,  Turns out Michael has decided tto turn his life around.  No more drugs and alcohol.  No more fighting and tramping around.  He wants to do right by his wife and child.  I am so proud of him.

Michael and I got something to eat and drink and we had a picnic at one of the exclusive hotels downtown.  Michael knew the Valet and there was this perfect table with two chairs and a huge green umbrella that looked over the ocean that he introduced me too.  Michael is the first person who has come to visit me in Santa Barbara.  Tim Page has tried but I have been uncomfortable to meet as the embarrassment of being homeless consumes me.  Being that Michael and I were both homeless, there is no shame.

We had a wonderful time.  A lot of the time was spent talking about his soon to be a father.  Michael and I do not agree on anything theologically but we discussed our views with open minds like two college professors.

Before Michael arrived, I had been talking to God how my biggest failure was my failure to love others.  God answered me by sending me Michael.  I love Michael.  Not in a perverse homosexual way.  I love Michael as the son I never had.  I love Michael as my brother in Christ.

There would be a number of long silences between Michael and me.

"You know, we are Really friends!"  Michael said.  "Why?  Because we can sit with each other and not have to make unnecessary or superficial conversation."

I looked at Michael.  Nodded and smiled.  We clinked our drinks.  And I said nothing.

It was The Perfect Day!

Lord, You're Holy

Lord, You're Holy

Bless the Lord, Oh My Soul

Once Upon a Time...

...and they all lived Happily Ever After.


Three thoughts.  Not wishes.  I am saving those.

First Thought.

When Donnie was a freshman in high school, he was chosen to be in the spring musical.  His school was doing "Once Upon a Mattress."  Donnie was chosen to be in the chorus.  Jan Egan was chosen to be the Lead.  She played Princess Winnifred, the part Carol Burnett played on television.  Jan Egan was so good, they invited Carol Burnett to the show.  She came.  Carol Burnett was looking for someone to play opposite on her television show.  It ended up being between Jan Egan and Vicki Lawrence.  Well, it was happily ever after for one of them.  In one of the dance numbers, Donnie was choregraphed to catch Jan when she fell backwards.  He was SO happy.  Donnie was on his way to becoming a Star.  This was his first taste of "Happily Ever After."

Second Thought.

Marianne Schell was the Wicked Queen in the musical.  She had one of the best soprano voices I have ever heard.  There has never been anything Donnie wished for more than to being a madrigal at Wheeling High School.  It was an acappella group who performed Medieval music.  The songs the traveling minstrels would sing to royalty.  Donnie was the first male sophomore ever to be chosen to be in the Madrigals.  Mr. Dobler, the music teacher, would be one of the most influential men in his life.  Again, Donnie was a STAR!  At least in his own mind. 


Third Thought.

The important thing for me to remember is that I can be the author of my own story.  I have the beginning and the end.  All that is needed now is the middle.

What is the Most Important Lesson in Life?

Jesus Loves You!  This I know.  Jesus Loves Me too.

Bad News - Good News

Bad News is that someone was killed on the railroad tracks.  Their head was decapitated.  Suspected Suicide.

Good News is that although some thought it was me, I did not kill myself by walking in front of a train.

Bad News:  An elderly woman died of old age at the Garden Apartments.

Good News:  This creates a vacancy at the complex and I think I am next on the list.

Bad News:  My phone service had been turned off because of lack of funds.

Good News:  Michael Payne was kind enough to pay my phone bill for February.

Bad News:  I had no money in  my pocket.

Good News:  04 February is National Yogurt Day and my frozen yogurt with fruit toppings was FREE.

I Wonder as I Wander

The Journey Continues

Somehow Donnie was able to convince the other three boys to continue the journey to find The Holy Grail.  Bobby was very willing.  Doug felt he would be able to protect all of us.  Danny was the only one who was a little reluctant.  Before Schmendrick turned into a caterpillar, he had magically provided four lunches for us to take with us on this adventure.

Schmendrick had pointed them in the direction to go but as they wandered through the woods they began to wonder what path to take.  Bobby noticed an actual path in a beautiful garden.  It was easy for the boys to decide.  The trail was only wide enough for one person to walk at a time.  Doug decided he should go first.  Donnie went next.  Bobby followed.  Naturally Danny went last.  However, after thinking about it for a while, Danny was afraid of being attacked from behind so he asked Bobby to go last.  Danny felt somewhat at ease being between Donnie and Bobby.

"Where do you think this path will take us?"  Bobby asked.

"Maybe to a castle which is in need of knights.  We could work as squires."  Doug answered.

"Tigers and lions and bears, oh my!"  Danny thought to himself.

"Hopefully to The Holy Grail!"  Donnie enthusiastically exclaimed.

Their imaginations were running wild as to where this path would lead.  Doug saw a worm crawling on the ground.  He picked it up and ate it.  The other boys looked at Doug as if he had lost his mind.  I saw it on one of those survivor shows on television.  Worms are a great source of protein,   While Doug was chewing on the worm, he said, "This tastes like a sour Gummi worm."  The boys looked at him in disbelief.  Bobby saw a worm crawling and he gave it a try.  "It does taste like a sour Gummi worm." 

The trees in the garden were not your normal fruit trees.  They were apple and peach candy rings.  There was a little waterfall and when you tasted it, it was your favorite soda.

"The water tastes like grape soda."  Donnie said.

"No it doesn't"  Danny argued.  "It tastes like root beer."

"I think it tastes like green river!"  Bobby said.

"Chocolate milk"  Doug exclaimed.  "Yummy!"

The waterfall fell into a small pond.  There were green, red, orange and yellow fish swimming. 

"They look like Swedish fish,"  Donnie said,  "My Grandma used to get them for me."  With that, he reached into the pond and easily scooped up a fish.  He ate it.  "It does.  It does."  Donnie was so excited,  The boys quickly kneeled down by the pond and started fishing without  poles.

What the boys did not know was that they had wandered into Candy Land.  Truly "there is no one happier than a kid in a candy store".  Well, in this case, even happier as all the sweets were free.