A Different Perspective of The Holy Grail.

According to The Church of Jesus Christ of the Latter Day Saints, the mormons believe the priesthood and the church were removed from the earth after the death of the last apostle.  Donald is a Mormon but he stopped attending when he found they also believe that John is still living on the earth.

"According to this philosophy this would explain why we had the period called the Dark Ages."  Schmendrick told the four boys.   "If the church and the priesthood had been removed, this would allow for Satan and the demons to have power over the earth."  Schmendrick continued.  "This is a time where there were witches and warlocks, vampires and werewolves.  Through evil spells warlocks were able to conjur up fire breathing dragons.  Witches could turn princes into toads or children into gingerbread cookies."  Schmendrick paused.

The boys looked at each other and remembered how the little old lady was going to make gingerbread.  Danny ate part of the house and said it had taste like ginger snaps. 

"If there was no church and no priesthood on the earth and black magic was running rampant, it would only give reason that faires, elves and wizards like Merlin and me would need to use white magic to counter the attacks of evil."  Schmendrick explained.  "Remember boys, 'Good always conquers evil.'.  God designed it that way."

"We want to find The Holy Grail."  Donnie said.

"Many have looked for it and have failed."  Schmendrick warned.

"You will find it if you seek it with all your heart."  Schmendrick said.

With that, there was a poof of smoke and all that was left was a little caterpillar who climbed up the tree.

"Where did he go?"  Bobby asked.

"He just disappeared into thin air."  Danny said.

"Did Schmendrick turn himself into a caterpillar."  Doug questioned.

"Remember Boys, things are not always what they seem."  Donnie said.

In a Paralell World

While Schmendrick is in the Enchanted Forest with the four boys, Michael Payne has conjured up Donald.  In a parallel world called Lisle, Illinois, Michael has been kind and gracious enough to open his home.  This would end the homeless situation for all of us.  He even offered to fly us back to Chicago.  This presents quite a dilemna for our many personalities.  For almost two years, we have sought out help for our mental illness.  We have found stabilty with three therapists and the Mental Health facility called The Wellness Center.  Highly medicated, would making the move be a smart decision or would it increas our anxiety and stress levels.

There is nothing better for our souls than being near the ocean.  I, John Thomas, feel closest to God when I am near the ocean.  Donnie and the four boys live in a fantasy world but for the first time that I can remember Donnie is happy.  Donnie is the core personality of all of us.

Donald is a 54 male who struggles with his sexuality.  Homosexuality makes Donald suicidal.  Would it be foolish for him to move into a situation where he would be expected or demanded to be someone's lover?  Or would that make him a whore?  Is there a difference?

There have been a dozen individuals who have spent over a year and a half trying to help me find  housing.  I have been approved for my Veterans Assisted Subsidised Housing (VASH) voucher.  The apartment complex I hope to live in is connected to the Mental Health Facility.  Would it be wrong of me to have wasted all their time and energy and to leave on a jet plane to Chicago?

For almost two years I have been clean and sober.  Would moving in with someone who is not cause me to fall back nto my old bad habits?

Truly this decision is one I must ponder and contemplate for a period of time.  This requires prayer and fasting.  Please pray with me.  I thank God for Michael Payne and his generous offer. 

The Holy Grail

Schmendrick and the three boys were still in shock that the adventure Donnie wanted to go on was to find The Holy Grail.  Bobby was catholic so he knew what The Holy Grail was but Danny and Doug did not.  Schmendrick looked at Danny and Doug and said, "This is the Catholic version..."

    The name of a legendary sacred vessel, variously identified with the chalice of the Eucharist or the dish of the Pascal lamb, and the theme of a famous medieval cycle of romance. In the romances the conception of the Grail varies considerably; its nature is often but vaguely indicated, and, in the case of Chrestien's Perceval poem, it is left wholly unexplained.The meaning of the word has also been variously explained. The generally accepted meaning is that is given by the Cistercian chronicler Helinandus (d. about 1230), who, under the date of about 717, mentions of a vision, shown to a hermit concerning the dish used by Our Lord at the Last Supper, and about which the hermit then wrote a Latin book called "Gradale." "Now in French," so Helinandus informs us, "Gradalis or Gradale means a dish (scutella), wide and somewhat deep, in which costly viands are wont to be served to the rich in degrees (gradatim), one morsel after another in different rows. In popular speech it is also called "greal" because it is pleasant (grata) and acceptable to him eating therein" etc. The medieval Latin word "gradale" because in Old French "graal," or "greal," or "greel," whence the English "grail." Others derive the word from "garalis" or from "cratalis" (crater, a mixing bowl). It certainly means a dish, the derivation from "grata" in the latter part of the passage cited above or from "agréer" (to please) in the French romances is secondary. The explanation of "San greal" as "sang real" (kingly blood) was not current until the later Middle Ages. Other etymologies that have been advanced may be passed over as obsolete.When we come to examine the literary tradition concerning the Grail we notice at the outset that the Grail legend is closely connected with that of Perceval as well as that of King Arthur. Yet all these legends were originally independent of each other. The Perceval story may have a mythical origin, or it may be regarded as the tale of a simpleton (French, nicelot) who, however, in the end achieves great things. In all the versions that we have of it, it is a part of the Arthurian legend, and, in almost all, it is furthermore connected with the Grail. So the reconstruction of the original Grail legend can be accomplished only by an analytical comparison of all extant versions, and is a task that has given rise to some of the most difficult problems in the whole range of literary history.The great body of the Grail romances came into existence between the years 1180 and 1240. After the thirteenth century nothing new was added to the Grail legend. Most of these romances are in French, but there are versions in German, English, Norwegian, Italian, and Portuguese. These are of very unequal value as sources, some are mere translations or recasts of French romances. Now all of these romances may be conveniently divided into two classes: those which are concerned chiefly with the quest of the Grail, and with the adventures and personality of the hero of this quest; and those that are mainly concerned with the history of the sacred vessel itself. These two classes have been styled respectively the Quest and the Early History versions.Of the first class is the "Conte del Graal" of Chrestien de Troyes and his continuators, a vast poetic compilation of some 60,000 verses, composed between 1180 and 1240, and the Middle High German epic poem "Parzival" of Wolfram von Eschenbach, written between 1205 and 1215, and based, according to Wolfram's statement, on the French poem of a certain Kyot (Guiot) of Provence, which, however, is not extant and the very existence of which is doubtful. To these may be added the Welsh folk-tales or "Mabinogion" known to us only from manuscripts of the thirteenth century, though the material is certainly older, and the English poem "Sir Percyvelle," of the fifteenth century. Of the Early History versions the oldest is the metrical trilogy of Robert de Boron, composed between 1170 and 1212, of which only the first part, the "Joseph d'Arimathie," and a portion of the second, the "Merlin," are extant. We have, however, a complete prose version, preserved in the so-called Didot manuscript. The most detailed history of the Grail is in the "Grand St. Graal," a bulky French prose romance of the first half of the thirteenth century, where we are told that Christ Himself presented to a pious hermit the book concerning this history. Besides these versions we have three French prose romances, also from the thirteenth century, which, though concerned chiefly with the quest, give also an account of the history of the sacred vessel. Of these the most notable is the "Queste del St. Graal," well known to English readers because it was embodied almost entire in Malory's "Morte d' Arthur." The others are the so-called "Didot Perceval" or "La petite queste" and the lengthy and prolix "Perceval le Gallois," also known as "Perlesvaus."The poem of Chrestien, regarded by many as the oldest known Grail romance, tells of Perceval's visit to the Grail castle, where he sees a Graal borne in by a damsel. Its accompaniments are a bleeding lance and a silver plate. It is a precious vessel set with jewels, and so resplendent as to eclipse the lights of the hall. All the assembled knights show it reverence. Mindful of an injunction not to inquire too much, Perceval does not ask concerning the significance of what he sees, and thereby incurs guilt and reproach. Undoubtly Chrestien meant to relate the hero's second visit to the castle, when he would have put the question and received the desired information. But the poet did not live to finish his story, whether the explanation of the Graal, offered by the continuators, is that which Chrestien what the Graal signifies; in his version it has no pronounced religious character. On the other hand, in the Early History versions it is invested with the greatest sanctity. It is explained as the dish from which Christ ate the Paschal lamb with his disciples, which passed into possession of Joseph of Arimathea, and was used by him to gather the Precious Blood of Our Saviour, when His body was taken from the Cross. It becomes identified with the Chalice of the Eucharist. The lance is explained as the one with which Longinus pierced Our Lord's side, and the silver plate becomes the paten covering the chalice. The quest in these versions assumes a most sacred character, the atmosphere of chivalric adventure in Chrestien's poem yields to a militant asceticism, which insists not only on the purity of the quester, but, in some versions (Queste, Perlesvaus), on his virginity. In the "Queste" and "Grand St. Graal," moreover, the hero is not Perceval but the maiden-knight, Galaad. But the other knights of the Round Table are made to participate in the quest.The early history of the Grail is intimately connected with the story of Joseph of Arimathea. When he is cast into prison by the Jews, Christ appears to him and gives him the vessel, through which he is miraculously sustained for forty-two years, until liberated by Vespasian. The Grail is then brought to the West, to Britain, either by Joseph and Josephes, his son (Grand St. Graal), or by Alain one of his kin (Robert de Boron). Galaad (or Perceval) achieves the quest; after the death of its keeper the Grail vanishes. According to the version of the "Perlesvaus" Perceval is removed, no one knows whither, by a ship with white sails on which is displayed a red cross. In the Guiot-Wolfram version we meet with a conception of the Grail wholly different from that of the French romances. Wolfram conceives of it as a precious stone, lapsit exillis (i.e. lapis or lapsi ex caelis?) of special purity, possessing miraculous powers conferred upon it and sustained by a consecrated Host which, on every Good Friday, a dove brings down from heaven and lays down upon it. The angels who remained neutral during the rebellion of Lucifer were its first guardians; then it was brought to earth and entrusted to Titurel, the first Grail king. It is guarded in the splendid castle of Munsalvaesche (mons salvationis or silvaticus?) by itself and nourished by its miraculous food-giving power.The relationship of the Grail versions to each other, especially that of Chrestien to those of Robert de Boron and the "Queste," is a matter of dispute. Nor is their relative chronology certain. But in all these versions the legend appears in an advanced state of development, the preceeding phases of which are not attested by literary monuments, and therefore, can only be conjectured. The origin of the legend is involved in obscurity, and scholars are divided in their views on this point. An Oriental, a Celtic, and a purely Christian origin have been claimed. But the Oriental parallels, like the sun-table of the Ethiopians, the Persian cup of Jamshid, the Hindu paradise, Cridavana, are not very convincing, and Wolfram's statement, that Kyot's source was an Arabic manuscript of Toledo, is open to grave doubt. It is different with the Celtic story. There are undoubtly Celtic elements in the legend as we have it; the Perceval story is probably, and the Arthurian legend certainly, of Celtic origin, and both of these legends intimately connected with the quest story. Talismans, such as magic lances and food-giving vessels figure prominently in Celtic myths and folk-tales. According to this theory the "Mabinogion," with its simple story of vengeance by means of talismans and devoid of religious significance, would yield the version nearest to the original form of the legend. Back of the quest-story would be some pre-Christian tale of a hero seeking to avenge the injury done to a kinsman. The religious element would then be of secondary origin, and would have come into the legend when the old vengeance-tale was fused with the legend of Joseph of Arimathea, which is essentially a legend of the conversion of Britain.Those who maintain the theory of a purely Christian origin regard the religious element in the story as fundamental and trace the leading motifs to Christian ideas and conceptions. It is derived from the apocryphal Gospel of Nicodemus, which is known to have had a great vogue in the twelfth century, paricularly in Britain. There we read how Joseph, whom the Jews had imprisoned, is miraculously fed by Christ Himself . Additional traits were supplied by the "Vindicta Salvatoris," the legendary account of the destruction of Jerusalem. Furthermore, Joseph was confused with the Jewish historian, Josephus, whose liberation by Titus is narrated by Suetonius. The food-producing properties of the vessel can be explained, without resorting to Celtic parallels, by the association of the Grail with the Sacrament of the Eucharist, which gives spiritual nourishment to the faithful. The purely Christian legend which thus had arisen was brought into contact with the traditional evangelization of Britain, and then developed on British soil, in Wales, and thus the Celtic stamp, which it undeniably bears, is accounted for. In connection with the legendary conversion of Britain it is noteworthy that the literary accounts of this event are connected with the famous Abbey of Glastonbury, which is also intimately associated with the legend of Arthur, Glastonbury being identified in William of Malmesbury's account with the mythic Avalon. So scholars are inclined to connect this British sanctuary with the origin of the Grail romances. Possibly Walter Map, who died as Archdeacon of Oxford in 1210, and to whom is ascribed the authorship of a Grail-Lancelot cycle, got his information from that abbey. The first Grail romances was then probably written in Latin and became the basis for the work of Robert de Boron, who was an English knight under King Henry II, and a contemporary of Chrestien and of Map.The fully developed Grail legend was later on still further connected with other legends, as in Wolfram's poem with that of Lohengrim, the swan-knight, and also with that of Prester John, the fabled Christian monarch of the East. Here also the story of Klinschor, the magician, was added. After the Renaissance the Grail legend, together with most medieval legends, fell into oblivion, from which it was rescued when the Romantic movement set in at the beginning of the nineteenth century. The most famous modern versions are Tennyson's "Holy Grail" in the "Idylls of the King" (1869), and Wagner's music-drama, the festival-play, "Parsifal," produced for the first time at Bayreuth in 1882.A word as to the attitude of the Church towards the legend. It would seem that a legend so distinctively Christian would find favour with the Church. Yet this was not the case. Excepting Helinandus, clerical writers do not mention the Grail, and the Church ignored the legend completely. After all, the legend contained the elements of which the Church could not approve. Its sources are in apocryphal, not in canonical, scripture, and the claims of sanctity made for the Grail were refuted by their very extravagance. Moreover, the legend claimed for the Church in Britain an origin well nigh as illustrious as that of the Church of Rome, and independent of Rome. It was thus calculated to encourage and to foster any separatist tendencies that might exist in Britain. As we have seen, the whole tradition concerning the Grail is of late origin and on many points at variance with historical truth.The "Queste" was edited by Furnivall, "La Queste del Saint Graal" (Roxburghe Club, London, 1864), also the Grand St. Graal under the title "Seynt Graal or the Sank Ryal", etc. (Roxburghe Club, London, 1861-63). The Perlesvaus is in Potvin's edition of Chrestien, I (Mons, 1866); the Didot Perceval in Hucher, "Le Saint Graal" (Le Mans, 1874-78). Robert de Boron's poem was edited by Michel, "Le roman du St. Graal" (Bordeaux, 1841), Malory's "Morte D'Arthur" by Sommer (London, 1889-91), and the Perlesvaus rendered into English by Evans, "The High History of the Holy Grail" (London, 1898). (See WOLFRAM VON ESCHENBACH.)

When the boys woke up from their nap after a long afternoon of swimming, the tree was a different shade of purple.  The boys just stared and were astonished.  Then the tree turned red.

 They looked at each other and thought they were tripping but these boys were far too young to be experimenting with drugs.  While they were trying to figure out which one of their crayons from the 128 pack would best describe this color of red.  The tree turned back to the first color of purple.

"Schmendrick?  Where are you?"  Donnie yelled.  Only Schmendrick could be up to these antics.  Bobby, Danny and Doug had never met Schmendrick.

"I am right here."  Schmendrick yelled back.

Schmendrick was standing behind the boys.  Danny was so startled that he fell into the lake.  We all laughed.  Well, all of us except Danny.  Danny was not amused.  He was the one who did not want to get wet in the first place.  Eventually, Danny laughed too.

"Schmendrick, this is Bobby and Danny and Doug".  Donnie introduced the boys  The wizard already knew this but he knew that Donnie was just trying to be polite.

"Well, we finally found you."  Bobby said.

"One never finds a wizard, a wizard always find them."  Schmendrick seemed annoyed.

"I told you."  Donnie said to Bobby.

"Well, what is this great adventure that you boys are on that requires my services?"

"We want to find The Holy Grail." Donnie announced.

Everyone stood there stunned.  Only Donnie knew of this adventure.  He had even kept it a secret for Schmendrick.

Danny looked at Schmendrick, "We are all going to die."

 The four boys continued on their journey in search of Schmendrick.  They were very happy that Alexander had warned them to go in a different direction.  While they walked through the woods, the boys came upon a beautiful lake with one of the most unique and beautiful trees they had ever seen.  They knew that Schmendrick was near.  He loved to change the color of the leaves on the trees.  Schmendrick knew that Donnie's favorite color was purple.

"How will we cross the lake to get to the tree?"  Bobby asked.

"I do not know how to swim."  Danny lied.  He just did not want to get his clothes wet.

"I just sink to the bottom."  Doug said.

Before they gave up hope, four large turtles swam to the bank of the lake and then turned around.

"Do you think they want us to ride them?"  Bobby asked.

"Sure."  Donnie said.  "That's what they want us to do."

"You go first."  Danny looked at Donnie.

Without hesitation, Donnie climbed on the back of the turtle.  He knew that Schmendrick knew that Donnie loved turtles even more than the color purple.  Bobby got on the second turtle.  Doug hesitated to get on the turtle because he was over weight but the turtle seemed to be fine.  Danny was the last to get on.  As soon as Danny got on his turtle, the four turtles swam gracefully towards the beautiful tree.  When they reached the other side and got off, they thanked the turtles for the ride.  The turtles smiled.  Yes, they actually smiled.  Before you knew it, they took a dive into the deep dark blue lake.

After reaching the other side nice and dry, the boys decided they wanted to swim in the lake.  It was a hot summer day.  The boys stripped down to their boxers and jumped in the cool lake.  Donnie and Bobby tried to dive to the bottom of the lake in search of the turtles.  They were no where to be found and the lake was too deep.  After swimming for an hour or two, the boys sat under the shade of the tree and fell asleep.

True Confessions from a Troll

One thing is for certain in life.  Everything is not as it seems.

What had appeared to be the house of Little Red Riding Hood's Grandmother was not.  The house belonged to the old haggard witch who met her demise with Hansel and Gretel.  However, Hansel and Gretel had not made their journey to her house yet.  Before the boys knew anything, they had discussed their adventure of the pursuit of Schmendrick.  Schmendrick was known through all the woods.  The old lady was filled with fear.  She had originally planned on making the boys her meal.  Not making dinner for the boys..  However, she knew that Schmendrick would know of her schemes and a horrible fate would await her.  One thing is for sure.  One never wants to upset Schmendrick.

Dinner was wonderful.  The boys decided to take watch at night to be sure the witch upheld her promise to cause no harm.  The boys had one of the best nights sleep that they can remember.  When dawn arose, the little old lady had made a complete breakfast for the boys including ham, bacon, eggs, pancakes, hashbrowns, toast and jelly along with juice and milk.

"We will be certain to tell Schmendrick of your kindness and hospitality!"  Donnie said.

"Thank you so much."  The little old lady had hoped for a favorable report.

"Thank YOU SO much!"  the four boys gratefully responded.  With that, they were on their way.

While only walking about a mile or two, the boys came up to a bridge over a river.  As they were about to cross the bridge, a nasty, old troll jumped out from under the bridge. 

"This is my bridge."  the troll snarled.  "No one crosses unless I allow them."

"May we please cross over?"  Bobby asked.

"Yes."  the troll answered.  "It will only cost you one gold coin each."

"But we have no money."  Danny lied.

"then you shall not cross..." the troll mumbled.

Donnie decided to say a little prayer to God for help and guidance.

A thought came to Donnie's mind.

"Why is it that you are so mean and nasty?"  with compassion Donnie asked.

Tears began to well up in the troll's eyes if in fact, trolls can even cry.

The troll began to tell his story.  This is the true confession from that troll.

"When I was about your age, a nasty, old man did horrible things to me.  He told me I was naughty and if I ever mentioned our encounters to anyone, he would tell them that it was my fault.  I was filled with guilt.  I was filled with shame.  My innocence had been taken.  I would never be the same ever again.  To be honest, part of me died."

"Years later, I was working at the local grocery store and had become friends with a boy named Jeff Smith.  He was two years younger than me and was on the wrestling team at his high school.  We went to rival high schools.  He asked me if I would wrestle with him to help him practice.  We became best of friends.  Jeff also twisted me around like a pretzel.  Jeff worked at the grocery store too."

"There was a young man.  Out of college.  His name was Mark Green.  He would come into the grocery store and just stare at me.  Naturally, I would ask him if I could help him find anything.  He would laugh and say that he wished I could.  Mark had a sinister nature about him,  He would ask me what type of fantasies I had.  I would just blush and go back to work."

"One day, Mark asked me if I would like to come over to his apartment which was right behind the grocery store.  Villa Verde.  I will never forget the name of his complex.  Curiosity killed the cat.  It would also end up being my undoing.  However, one day I yielded to his temptations.  He asked me if I had thought of a fantasy.  I said I had.  My fantasy was wrestling with another man naked.  Without hesitation, Mark said that he would be happy to make my fantasy come true.  Mark thought it would be fun to turn the lights out.  He did.  We both got naked and began to wrestle.  It took us a few moments to find each other in the dark but the first thing I felt was Mark's hand locked onto my groin.  He squeezed.  I said that was not in the rules.  Mark said that there were no rules.   We continued to wrestle.  He grabbed my groin again.  Without thinking, I grabbed his groin and was shocked at what a large hardon Mark was sporting.  He moaned but seemed to enjoy it.  After pinning Mark a few times, we stopped wrestling.  My fantasy completed, I was ready to go home."

"Mark did not like the idea of my leaving at all.  He said that I has to make his fantasy come true.  His fantasy was for me to have sex with him in his bed.  I told Mark that I had never agreed to that.  Then Mark became Satan to me and said, "If you do not do what I say, I will tell your friend Jeff about your visit here."  I was horrified.  The sin of lust had taken over me and I was being blackmailed.  Afraid he would tell Jeff, I got in bed with him."

"The next day I saw Mark talking to Jeff at the grocery store.  I stopped dead in my tracks.  Fear overwhelmed me.  Mark looked at me and continued to talk to Jeff.  When Mark left Jeff, I asked him what he wanted.  Jeff said that Mark had invited him over.  He had declined because he does not hang out with strangers.  Mark continued to threaten to tell Jeff unless I came over again.  After the shame and guilt was more that I could bare, I told Mark that I would go to the police and tell them as I was under age.  Unfortunately, I was wrestling Jeff one time and I got excited and Jeff freaked out.  Jeff talked to his Dad and his Dad told me that he thought it best that Jeff and I not hang out anymore.
Sin always comes at a price.  The price of my sin was my best friend."

"My horror story continues with decades of my going to book stores, gay bars, wrestling clubs, bath houses.  I had become addicted to being desired.  Never thinking that I was attractive, I would search out trolls who would tell me how beautiful I was.  They were lieing but they would say anything to be able to play with my penis.  Years later, the guilt, the shame, and the drugs and alcohol has turned me into a nasty, old troll."

"The reason that I am so mean and nasty?  I will tell you.  I did not want you to cross this bridge because I knew that there were evil men in the towns ahead and I did not want what happened to me to happen to you.  There is no hope for me but to stay under this bridge and wait to die."

"That is not true."  Donnie said.  "Jesus loves you and forgives you for everything that has happened to you."

"All you have to do is ask Jesus to forgive you."  Bobby said.

The four boys prayed with the nasty, old troll and a miracle happened.  Right in front of our very own eyes.  The troll was transformed into a handsome, kind man.  His name is Alexander.  Alexander plans on spending the rest of his days working with youth who have been sexually, physically or emotionally abused.  God can take the worst things and turn them into blessing to bring Him glory, honor and praise.

The four boys and Alexander parted ways.  Each boy gave Alexander a hug.  The boys did not cross the bridge.  They took a different path.  No reason not to take this man's advice.  Alexander went to look for a town where he could learn more about Jesus, a church to attend, and a place that was safe for him and the children to serve.  Would their paths cross again?  Probably.

I wonder how often I see people as witches and trolls?  Probably too often.

We are a Family

Donnie, Bobby, Danny and Doug were on their adventure in the woods in search of Schmendrick.  They had been invited to spend the night at who they believed to be the Grandmother of Little Red Riding Hood.  The Grandmother was busy making dinner for the four boys.  The four little boys were happy to see baked goods, cookies and candy all throughout the cabin.  The old lady told them to eat as much as they like but do not spoil their appetite before dinner.

In another wood called Hollywood, Dolly was appearing as a female impersonator at one of the night clubs.

There is a man I know by the name of William who suffers from depression and constant thoughts of suicide.  He is an alcoholic.  The reason he is an alcoholic is because he is in constant torment of his sexual identity.  Although he thinks he finds himself attracted to males, he is conflicted by his religious beliefs that homosexuality is wrong.  He finds himself so lonely at times that the only relief he thinks would be to take his own life.


Usually I visit another one of my friends, Mark to seek advice how I might help my friend, William.  Mark is a monk at a hermitage in California and has devoted his life to prayer and service.  Sexuality is not an issue for Mark at all.  Straight or gay, monks take an oath of celibacy.  They are the male version of "brides of Christ".  Mark tells me the best thing I can for William is listen.  Mark tells me the best thing I can do for William is to pray.  Mark promises to pray for my friend me.

There are many personalities that live in Donnie.  Most are voices on the inside of his mind.  Others are voices on the outside of his mind.  The important thing for everyone to remember is...We are Family!  I love them.

Little Red Riding Hood

With each step the boys took, it seemed to get a little darker.  And...A little scarier.  Deeper and deeper the boys walked into the woods.  No one was saying anything at all.  From a distance, you could hear a wolf howling as night began to fall.  The trees looked like they could reach out and grab you.  Obviously, we had seen "The Wizard of Oz" too many times.  However, we were not looking for "The Wizard of Oz", we were looking for Schmendrick, a real wizard.

Suddenly, the boys saw someone walking in the distance.  There was a person with a long red cape and a red hood walking swiftly through the woods.  Quickly the boys began to follow hoping this person would lead them to a village or a safe place to sleep for the evening.  As they continued to follow, they saw a light coming from a cabin.  Were they in the wrong woods?  Were they unknowingly following Little Red Riding Hood to her Grandmother's house? 

Another howl from a wolf was heard.  This time the wolf seemed closer.  Donnie, Bobby and Doug knew what Danny was thinking, "We are all going to be killed by wild beasts."  They were all getting very scared but no one wanted to let the other see them frightened.  The boys picked up the pace in pursuit of the mysterious red hooded cape.

As the boys were in speaking distance, they were stopped dead in their tracks.  A screech like no other they ever heard.

"Whooooo?" 

An old woman turned around at the exact same time as the screech.  The screech ended up coming from a big "ole" owl from a twisted oak tree.  We were surprised that the person with the red hooded cape was an old woman.  All four boys thought the person would be a beautiful young girl.

"We thought you were Little Red Riding Hood!"  Doug blurted out.  He could not contain himself.

"The cape tricked you."  said the little old lady.  "It belongs to my Granddaughter.  She left it here the last time she visited.

Her words sent a shiver up Bobby's spine.  We each looked at each other.

"It is very dark."  the little old lady said.  "Come inside and spend the night.  I have plenty of space."

"We are not supposed to talk to strangers."  Donnie said.

Another howl from a wolf.  This one even closer.

"But you are not a stranger.  You are Little Red Riding Hood's Grandmother."  Danny added.

"I will be happy to make you dinner.  I have so few visitors."  Grandmother said.

"I will be happy to make YOU dinner."  Is what Donnie heard.  Maybe Danny was right.  How do we know that this woman is not a serial killer?  Does she plan on eating us for dinner?

Another howl.

Donnie decided to take his chance with the old lady rather than the wolf.

All four boys followed the little old lady into her cabin.  They were very hungry.  No one had packed any food for the journey.  At least they would have safe place to sleep for the evening.  Or so they thought.

Into The Woods

In less than a blink of an eye, the four young boys found themselves in the middle of the woods. 

"Is this the Enchanted Forest?"  Bobby asked.

"I think so."  Donnie said.

"This doesn't look like an enchanted forest to me."  Doug sputtered.

"If you ask me, we are all going to be killed by wild beasts."  Danny complained.

"No one is asking."  Bobby, Doug and Donnie yelled in unison.

"The best thing for us to do is to find Schmendrick."  Donnie said.

"Who is Schmendrick?"  Doug inquired.

"He is a powerful wizard.  He will let us know if we are in the enchanted forest."

"How do we find Schmendrick?"  Bobby asked.

"One never finds a wizard, a wizard always finds them."  Donnie explained.

"Great, just great!"  Doug said sarcastically.

"We are all going to die... I just know it."  Danny griped.

"Shut up Danny."  The three other boys chimed in.

Without another word, the four boys headed down the path they felt would lead to the home of Schmendrick.  Danny kept his eyes in search of wild beasts.  Just to be safe, the boys all found walking sticks that could be used to protect themselves against any uninvited visitor.  Doug felt he could single handedly take care of the group.  Donnie felt that he would be able to talk to the animals.  Schmendrick and Dr. Doolittle do.

It would be dark soon.  The boys would need to find a place to camp for the night.  Secretly, Danny had scared everyone and no one wanted to be dinner for some wild animal.  With ever snap and crackle from the woods, the boys would freeze in their tracks like a deer caught in the headlights.  What a brave bunch of boys.  The snap would end up being a rabbit hopping through the forest.  The crackle was nothing more than a deer trying to sneak away.

"Wild beasts Danny?"  one of the boys asked.

All four boys laughed.  This would be an adventure they would never forget.

Going to the Enchanted Forest

Donnie called Bobby early in the morning.  He had a new adventure that he was most excited about.
Bobby was excited too.  He thought it would be a good idea to invite Danny and Doug also.

Danny is a troubled youth.  He seems to never be able to tell the truth and has sticky fingers.  However, he is a loyal friend.  He has the courage of ten lions.

Doug is a chunky little kid who just likes to be part of the gang.  Not the brightest light on the Christmas tree, what he lacks in brains, he makes up in strength.  If there ever were a fight, you would want to be sure to have Doug on your side.  He trains in mixed martial arts.  His Dad thinks it is a good idea to help build self confidence and help Doug lose a few pounds.  Regardless, it will detour the bullies from picking on him.  Doug's Dad and Sensai both agree on one thing.  "It takes a much bigger person to walk away from a fight than be in one."

"Well, where are we going?"  Doug asked.

In sync, Donnie and Bobby blurted out, "The Enchanted Forest!"

With the pollen from the Star Gazer Lily that the Elf had given Donnie, with a sprinkling over all four boys, they were on their way.

Portals through Time

Donnie learned from Mary Poppins that the best way to travel from place to place is through sidewalk art.  He decided that he would like to meet Michelanglo and watch him paint the sistene chapel.  Before he was able to do this, he needed to wait for this artist for three days to complete this chalk drawing on the sidewalk.  Michelangelo's painting has lasted for hundreds of years.  How sad that this artist's art will be washed away with the next rain.  For me, I wonder what I shall be?  I know that I am not an artist.  I also know that I am one of the unholiest men you will ever meet.  What could I leave as a gift for the entire world to enjoy?  This shall be my quest if not my only desire.

Welcome to Dreamland

Depression is gone forever,  Donnie now lives in Dreamland and plans on living happily ever after.

Today's travels included a visit to London, England where he visited Mary Poppins.

After his visit, he took a cruise with Dr. Doolittle in search for Sea Turtle Island.

Donnie was given some purple tulips from some fairies.  They were thankful for the fairy house he had made.  One of the elves gave Donnie a star gazer lily which was filled with magical powers

Sometimes the simple pleasures are the best. Donnie had grilled cheese and Campbell's tomato soup.
For snacks, he had barbecue potato chips, cookies made by elves and chocolate candy.

Who knows where Donnie will end up next?

Somewhere over the rainbow

Donnie believes that at the end of every rainbow is a pot of gold.  I hope he finds one someday.
In the meantime, I shall just be thankful for the rainbow!

In my own little corner in my own little world

Donnie has permanently left the world we call reality,  He lives in a fantasy world,  He lives where the Loch Ness Monster swims,  He searches for fairies in forests.  In his own little corner in his own little world, Sonnie can be whoever he wants to be,  When Donnie heard this song on television, he made a decision.  This would be a defining moment for him.  Donnie would live happily ever after.

My job is to take care of everything so Donnie can stay in his own little world.  This is my destiny,

What does the world need?

Going to see Les Miserables

When you are jobless and penniless, one does not have the opportubity to go to the movies.  I am very blessed that the Fellowship Club was given free tickets to the matinee yesterday.  At first we were going to see Lincoln but I thought Donnie would enjoy seeing Les Miserables.  I was right.

When Donnie heard the song, "Bring Him Home", it was as if the floodgates were opened to little Donnie's soul.  It has become clear that I need to allow Donnie to live in his imaginary world.  My purpose is to continue to pray to God for peace and rest for "the son I might have known had God granted me a son."

Once we got past the movie was about the Gladiator versus the Wolverine, we both were able to throughly enjoy rhe movie.  The Fellowship Club had supplied us with brown bag lunches and I had a coupon to get Junior Mints and Raisenettes so we were all set to go.

Donnie will be singing the songs from the movie for the next several weeks.  I will let him believe that he sings just as good as the stars in the movie.  Let him believe.  It makes him happy!

Brand New Day

Today is a Brand New Day.  The sun is shining in Santa Barbara.  Somehow I was able to pull myself out of that hole of depression.  Clean myself off  And continue my search for the yellow brick road which will lead me on my journey to find my purpose and meaning in life.  Maybe I have no purpose in life.  Maybe there is no meaning in my life.  However, if you are in Santa Barbara, and you see some crazy homeless person dancing in the street, know that I am happy.  Why?  Because it is a Brand New Day!  Hope you have a wonderful day too!

Keep Holding On

Thank God for GLEE to remind me to "Keep Holding On"!

The Pressure Cooker

The pressure continues to increase like a balloon about to burst.  My stress and anxiety are going through the roof.  My body is physically unable to take the tumult my life is in.  Without warning, I start to vomit like a volcano erupting lava.  Today I went to the VA clinic because I was coughing up blood.

Although I have been given a veteran's assisted subsidised housing (VASH) voucher, there are no apartments available.  For some apartment complexes, the waiting list is between 2 - 5 years.  Recently I found out that I would not be able to get into any unit without a form of income.  Therefore, I have to borrow money from the government to subtract from the voucher in which I was given.  However, I am unable to get the loan until I have filled out all other forms of social security.  The first rejection will come in about 3-4 monthes.  This process will continue for almost two years until I have been rejected for a total of five times.

After jumping through a series of hoops, I am sent to another who gives me  a set of different hoops to jump through.  There always seems to be one more form.  One more interview.  It has been a series of recurring nightmares as each agency continues to ask me for the same form over and over. 

On Monday, I received a bill  for $8,120.00 dollars for the ambulance ride from the VA in Santa Barbara to the VA in West LA.  Although the VA has promised to pay this bill and we have submitted the paperwork five different times.  I find myself in crisis mode at the same VA clinic, talking to the same people who continue to promise me that the VA will pay this bill.  I was suicidal in September 2011 because I was homeless, jobless and penniless.  Opening a letter from the collection agency with $880.00 dollars of interest is likely to push me over the edge once again.  Sometimes I believe the government wants me to kill myself in an effort to help cut down on the national debt.  Who knows?  Hopefully, I am wrong.

When I wake up in the morning, it takes me a great deal of effort to just get out of bed.  Usually I find myself consumed with trying to not want to die or not think about killing myself.  However, I am thankful that I did get out of bed.  Turned the forms that I could turn in.  Asked for help for the forms I was unable to fill out.  Thank God for Jessica who is handling the bill from the collection agency.  Thank God for Tina who is taking care of the medical forms with Dr. White.  Thank God for Barbara Johnson who is doing all the research for Dr. White.  Thank God for Martha Barsante, my social worker who has been communicating with Ms. Fausto from the county office.  Last but not least, thank God for Kumiko Kuroda who has requested an extension on my extension on my extension for my VASH voucher.

Watch Where You Walk

Imagine walking along the sidewalk.  It is a beautiful day.  Sun shining.  And all of a sudden you fall into a big hole.  While you were looking at the clouds and the sun, you were unaware that the manhole cover over one of the sewers had been removed.

I fell in a couple of days ago.  Now imagine being covered in sewage and feces.  Bruised from the fall, I find myself to be disoriented.  Although I did not physically fall into a sewer, emotionally I had fallen into a pit of depression.  Demons haunted me while they were evil enough to remind me of all my past sins.  The shrieking of the demonic forces was so awful and loud,  I was unable to hear the still quiet voice in my heart telling me that it is by the grace of God that I have been forgiven.

"I fell into this pit, there must be a way for me to climb out of this dark place."  I thought.

Filthy, cold and tormented, I wander through this deep dark place in search of a ladder.  The good news is I was able to find that ladder today.  As I begin to climb out of this pit, I am aware of the stench that emits from me.  There will be some who make fun of me and laugh at my misfortune.  There will be others who pretend not to notice at all.  Certainly, if they noticed, their concious would require them to help.  Is there a good samaritan out there who will help me?  Will I find one human being who will show me compassion?

The answer is I must not look for someone to help me.  For if I do not find someone, I will certainly fall back into the hole.  Again, I will be covered in sewage and feces.  The answer is I must find a way to survive.  A way to overcome.  Truly God is the answer.  My hope and trust must be that He will get me through this.  As they say, "This too shall pass"!

The Grim Reaper missed me

Today started out to be a very surreal day.  All night long, I had been tormented by demons.  Some of my own.  Some whom I know not.  They were filling my head with horrible thoughts.  Thoughts too horrible to even write.  Yesterday my depression was so bad I begged for God to remove me from this earth.  Even invited the Grim Reaper to pay me a visit.

The Grim Reaper did visit.  However, the Grim Reaper missed me.  As I was headed to the bus stop this morning, I literally had to walk around a homeless person who froze to death.  The temperature had dropped to 27 degrees last night.  There the man laid completely blue.  Only God knows when the authorities will be around to scrape his body off the pavement.

"Where are this man's friends or family?"  I wondered.  There will be no obituary in the newspaper.  No funeral.  His cold frigid body will be taken and stored at the county morgue just in case someone comes to identify the body.  Somehow I feel partly to blame for this man's death.  I invited the Grim Reaper and he came.  God has me marked where death or demons can not touch me.  Since they could not take my life, is it possible they were able to take someone's life? 

I am a sick, sick man.  Here I am with another Delusion of Grandeur.  Do I think I can conjur the dark side?  The simple fact is that it was this poor homeless man's time to go.

Maybe the truth is that God showed compassion to this man.  Maybe this man is homeless no more.  Maybe God has prepared a place for this wonderful human being created in God's image.  Maybe he is now part of the kingdom of God with sons and daughters of God.  No longer is he alone.  No longer is he homeless.  No longer does he have to suffer.  Truly God is a God of mercy and compassion.

The Agony of Defeat

The pain is crushing the very core of my being,  Uncontrollable thoughts of suicide.  No matter what I do, how long I pray or meditate, I am left with the thought that my life does not matter.  Why am I here?  Why will God not remove me from this painful existence?  When I read the book of Proverbs, I am continually reminded of all the wrong turns I have made every time I read the word "fool".  There is no reason for me to go to hell because I am constantly tormented by demons here on earth.  Am I a  fool to believe that I can be happy by merely counting my blessings or naming my favorite things?

The days of being homeless have turned into months.  The months are turning to years.  My mental health is deteriorating.  My body is in physical pain from my neck down through my legs.

If you are reading this, please forgive me.  No one wants to read this pathetic viewpoint.

PLEASE pray for the grim, reaper to come and get me.  At least you would be spared of having to read this miserable rhetoric.

Maybe I just need to muster the courage to kill myself,

Back to Life - Back to Reality

Young and Beautiful.  Rich and Famous.  These are words that will never be used to describe me.

Old and Ugly.  Poor and a Nobody.  Now we are back to life and back to reality as I know it.

Brand New Key

One of the things that we are most thankful for is our bicycle.  Santa Barbara is the perfect city for a bike.  With the price of gas so high, it is just to expensive to be driving around in a car all the time.  Besides, biking is a very good way to exercise.  Especially with the holidays behind us, it is the perfect time to get rid of some of the "junk in my trunk" if you know what I mean.

A couple of days ago, Dolly found a bike lock.  She can be a hoarder at times so she picked it up. 

"What are you going to do with that lock, Dolly?"  I asked.

"You never know, maybe tomorrow I will find the key."  Dolly remarked.

Well,  today is the tomorrow that Dolly was talking about.  In a completely different location, we found a set of two keys.  And do you know what?  The key fits the lock.  What is even more remarkable is that we lost the key to our other bike lock and this key fits this lock too.  Now we have two locks and two keys.

When I looked at Dolly, she said with a smile, "I told you!"

Maybe tomorrow, we will find a brand new pair of rollerskates.  Stranger things have happened.

Talk to the Animals

Donnie is lost in his own little world.  Somewhere he got lost in the fantasy world of Dr. Doolittle.  If you were to ask him what he wants to be when he grows up, he would tell you that he wants to be able to talk to the animals.  There are 200 homeless who sleep at the Casa Esperanza.  Donnie is the only one who has over 100 little blue Christmas lights twinkling from his bunk bed.  Some people have told him that he should take his lights down but he insists that he is decorating for Easter.  When Donnie goes to bed at night, he first thanks God as he counts his blessings with each little blue light he looks at.  After he is done with his prayers, Donnie joins Jiminy Cricket by singing "When you wish upon a star"!  Again, he looks at each twinkling star in the blue sky and makes a wish.

When Donnie wakes up in the morning and makes his bed, he is very precise about where his stuffed animals are placed.  First, in the center of the bed in front of his black satin pillow, Donnie places his green sea turle.  Taking a ride on the turtle like he were riding horseback is his stuffed little red monkey.  On the left at a 45 degree again facing left is his Beanie Baby Ostrich.  Wedged between the ostrich and the sea turtle is the grey elephant Donnie got at the Santa Barbara zoo.  If you squeeze him, he makes elephant noises.  On the right of the turtle facing a 45 degree angle looking right is his stuffed black killer whale.  Wedged in between the sea turtle and the whale is a strange unidentifable animal named Bandit.  Bandit was given to Donnie by his friend Marlin.  Next to the killer whale, you will find the Walt Disney character Chip.  One of Donnie's wishes at night is that we can find Dale to complete the Chip and Dale duo.  The last placement is a tiny flash drive of the turtle from Finding Nemo.  He is placed on the back of the big stuffed green sea turtle in the lap of the stuffed red monkey.

This may not be the world of Dr. Doolitlle but it is the world of Donnie.

I Am Blessed

Would you like to listen to me complain that I have the flu?  Share with you that I have had diahrrea and been vomiting for the past ten days.  Maybe you would like to know that my anxiety and stress levels are through the roof?  On a scale from 1- 10 (highest), I live at an 8 with chronic neck, back, hip and leg pain.  Did you know that my equillibrium is off and I trip and fall?  Any interest in my constant fatigue?  It tires me to even type these words to gripe to you.  I shall complain no more.

Instead, you will be happy to hear that I am blessed.  I am blessed to be able to go to the mental health facility five days a week to learn coping skills for my anxiety and stress.  I am blessed that I am able to go to the Santa Barbara VA clinic to be treated by Barbara Johnson, Marjorie Ferguson, and Martha Barsante.  Mario was kind enough to run an entire set of blood work to check all my levels.  I have fun joking with Mario that I think he is a vampire with all the blood he draws.  I am blessed that soon I shall be going to physical therapy in Santa Maria to help with my gait and my equillibrium problems.  Macy's is kind enough to supply me with my daily spray sample of cologne.  Today I am wearing Gucci.  Yes, I am blessed to smell like a million dollars.  Not only smell, but also clothes.  They say the best dressed homeless live in Santa Barbara.  Wearing Calvin Klein jeans, a Polo tshirt and an Izod pullover sweatshirt gives credibility to that statement.  I am blessed....

Live To Win

For years, I had been in a deep depression because I felt I had been a complete loser.  A loser in career choice.  A loser in personal relationships.  Basically,  a loser in all areas of life.

For over a year I have played chess with Paul at the Fellowship Club in Santa Barbara.  I always lose.  However, the best way to improve your game is to play people who are better than you.  Well, ladies and gentlemen, mark the calendar.  On the 8th of January 2013, Paul resigned.  I had checkmated his King.  Yes, John Thomas is a winner.

My life has fallen apart to mere rubble.  However, instead of dwelling on wanting to die, I have chosen to live.  Like the unsinkable Molly Brown, "I ain't down yet".  John Thomas is never going to give up.  There are losers and there are winners.  For me, I have decided to win.

Dolly Performs at a Santa Barbara NIghtclub

Dolly has found her niche in life.  Her dream is coming true.  Dolly performed at a Santa Barbara nightclub.  She has been practicing for hours upon hours, for several weeks now.  Bobby and Donnie were not old enough to go.  However, Paul, David, Craig and I went to support her.  Dolly was Fabulous!!!!

I Love To Laugh

As I continue to count my blessings and "my favorite things", who better than Julie Andrews to take us to her Uncle Albert's house from Mary Poppins.  I love to laugh!  I hope you love to laugh too!

Jesus Loves Me

Hey, do you know what?\\

Jesus loves you too!  Just the way you are!

Maybe This Time

According to the world standards, I am a loser.  Presently I am jobless and homeless and I will never be married nor will I ever have children or grandchildren.  Pathetic, right?

For over a year now, almost on a daily basis, I play chess with Paul.  Chess is one of my favorite things to do in the world.  I never win.  Paul is always very patient with me and he is happy to see that my game has been improving.  Paul is the Master chess player.  I merely his student.

On my cell phone, I have a game called Forbidden Treasures that I hate to play.  Presently, I am level 28.  After each level one completes, the games states "YOU WIN".  However, if you fail to complete a level, "YOU LOSE" are the last words that one sees.  For me, I never understand why I do not think of myself a winner for 27 times.  The only thing that rings through my heart and soul is that "I am a loser."

All I know is that I have decided to not give up.  Not give up on life.  Not give up on playing chess with Paul.  Not give up playing Forbidden Treasures on my cell phone.  Why?  Because "Maybe This Time" I win.

Where do you feel closest to God?

Where do you feel closest to God?  Without a reasonable doubt, I feel closest to God when I am near the ocean.  For me, listening to the waves is like listening to God breathe.  My friend Michael Payne has offered me the opportunity of living with him in Lisle, Illinois.  I will be forever grateful to Michael for his kind offer but I must be true to myself.  You might think I am crazy or insane to choose to be homeless.  Maybe I am.  However, I am truly happy of the oneness that happens with my soul as God, the ocean and I unite.

When I look out at the ocean, I can not see where it ends.  When I look right, or left or staaight ahead, I am in awe of how vast the ocean is.  This reminds me of how big God is.  Truly God would not make something that was larger than himself.  One of my favorite things to do is scuba diving.  When I scuba dive, I am invited into a whole new world.  The silence makes it so easy to contemplate and commune with God. 

I invite you to listen to the ocean with me.  Find a relaxing place, turn on the volume on your laptop and try to breathe deeply and become one with the waves.  This is a mystical experience for me.  This may not be for you?  If not, where do you feel closest to God?

Grilled Chesse and Campbells Tomato Soup

One of my favorite meals is Grilled Cheese and Tomato Soup.  Totally nuture food.  Usually I insist that the tomato soup be Campbell's but one of the best meals I ever had was when Jude Geerdes used her Mother's homemade tomato soup.  Instead of being sad that I no longer have dinners with Jude, I embrace all the times that I had to spend with her.  Jude has an incredible husband and two adorable boys now.  My life is forever changed having known Jude.  If you have met her, I am sure you would agree.

As I count my blessings, I am SO thankful for the days we had together. 

A Day Later.  If Donnie asked me once, he asked me at least one hundred times.  He wanted me to tell you that his Mom made "the best grilled cheese sandwiches in the world".  She puts the sandwiches in a frying pan on a very low heat.  She waits patiently for the bread to turn golden brown.  Absolute perfection.  She then cuts the sandwiches in triangles.  When you bite into the the grilled cheese, the cheese just melts in your mouth.  Sometimes to mix things up, Donnie's Mom, will grill the sandwich with a slice of tomato.  "Yummy!" Donnie exclaims.

Now Bobby wants to go home and ask his Mom to make him a grilled cheese with tomato soup.  He has never had a grilled cheese sandwich before.  Donnie wants to know if he can go over to Bobby's house for dinner.  It is almost impossible to keep those two apart.

The Gift of Physical Touch as my Love Language

Happy New Year 2013

One of my new year resolutions is to be more thankful.  Each day I post, I am going to "count my blessings, and name them one by one".  After a year, I will be able to look back at a full calendar of   "my favorite things"!

To start the year off, I would be amiss if I did not mention my love language is physical touch.  A friend of mine loaned me his electronic body massage equipment.  What a wonderful way to begin the new year by having the stress and tension massaged out of my body.  While I was tasting a bit of heaven, I was able to contemplate on one of the most incredible men in my life.

Ivan Petrov is one of the best massage therapists in the world if not the best.  Maybe my opinion is a little biased.  His technique and skill are remarkable.  As he works and kneeds out all the tension and stress in my body, he asks me about different areas in my life.  The body records everything.  Ivan knows the negative powers at work and is willing to listen as I release these areas of stress into the universe.  When you look at Ivan, you look at a young, handsome, and muscular individual.  However, when you get to know Ivan, you will see this exterior beauty is paled in comparison to his inner beauty.  If you are ever in Illinois, I recommend you make an appointment with my friend.

As I coninue to contemplate, I imagine Jesus Christ embracing me.  Maybe he already has through my dear friend, Ivan Petrov.