Let's Have a Kiki

Happy New Year! 

Count Your Blessings

One of the first blessings was that we were able to get the poor soul who was running around in circles screaming, to settle down.  Donnie's mental health seems to be deteriorating.  There are many voices in his head.  Several of these voices are children.  One is very violent.  Another just rocks back and forth.

Donnie and I had an idea.  Let's try to get the little children to work on a project together.  What better song is there than "Count Your Blessings"!  We went to You Tube and pulled up this old rendition.

The children do not sound quite as good as this famous quartet but we like to let them think so.

Here is another version by Bing Crosby.

As we continue to Count Our Blessings ~  the list would not be complete without YOU!

We hope you have a Happy New Year!!!

What am I supposed to do?

Donnie suffers from multiple personality disorder.  Unfortunately, I do not know how to help the personality that is present.  I do not even know his name.  All he does is run around in circles and screams, "I can't take it anymore.  I can't take it anymore."

All I can do is wait.  Wait for him to become exhausted and settle down.  Either that or wait for Donnie to show up.  Nevertheless, I sit and wait and pray.  Eventually, I will take him to the VA clinic and if necessary, we will have him admitted to the psychiatric ward at the VA hospital in West LA.  My heart goes out to this poor soul who is frantic with pain and turmoil.

Is the number one reason for depression - Unthankfulness?

Bible help to Overcome Personal Depression!

Within the Pages of the Bible are the answers to man's most pressing needs. At this moment, you may be very discouraged about life. Life may now appear to you as an endless, tragic treadmill, not really worth living or having. Perhaps you are saying, right now, life holds nothing for me, it is only a bum rap, a lousy trip. Nobody loves me; nobody cares if I live or die. In the midst of your despair, and your doubt, and frustration, and hopelessness, I want you to realize that Jesus Christ offers to you another view of life; a view that is truly beautiful. Jesus has some special words for us: He said, "I came that they may have life, and have it more abundantly" (John 10:10). With these words, Jesus lifts life above the physical realm and assures us that the abundant life has a divine and eternal quality. The Bible tells us that we were created in the very image or likeness of God, and you can be sure that if God made us like himself, then our lives must have tremendous meaning, destiny, and purpose. Jesus came to give each of us a good life. And you can enjoy the benefits of that abundant life right here on the face of this earth. Life can have many beautiful moments which you can and should enjoy and cherish. It is very true, of course, that life has it's high and it's low points. Being moody and despondent on a temporary basis is a natural part of every personality. However, please don't allow your deep and despondent moods to control your very being. I know that you may be tempted to blame yourself unduly for all the things that ever go wrong. You may want to punish yourself and others for the deep personal problems which you encounter. However, the abundant life which Jesus gives prepares our hearts with a mature love which can endure pain and suffering. The Apostle Paul says that this mature love "bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never fails . . . " (I Corinthians 13:7,8). Please listen to me very closely. It is important that you understand this. God really cares for you. In John 3:16, we read, "For God so loved the world, that He gave His only begotten Son, that whoever believes in Him should not perish, but have eternal life". There are Christian people who really care for you too. We care whether you live or die. We want you to experience and enjoy that abundant life in Christ. We want to introduce you to that love that never fails. John also tells us in I John 4:18, "There is no fear in love; but perfect love casts out fear . . .". This love really can be yours and you can have and enjoy a life that is meaningful and purposeful. If you would enjoy life, then serve the giver of life - God. Again, the Apostle John says in I John 5:3,4, "For this is the love of God, that we keep His commandments; and His commandments are not burdensome. For whatever is born of God overcomes the world; and this is the victory that has overcome the world - our faith". Depression has become our nation's number one emotional illness, and it is increasing steadily. Rising suicide rates, especially among the young, show the final end to which depression takes people. Broken, unhappy homes and wasted lives are often the result of unfettered depression. Some depression is good because it tells us we need to stop and take stock, have a rest, or perhaps have a physical examination to see if there is a medical problem that needs to be cared for. However, depression is most often the result of a selfish, self-pitying, ungrateful heart. The wise Solomon said: "For as he thinketh in his heart, so is he" (Proverbs 23:7. In discussing depression, we must believe fully that God has a remedy for every problem and that we can-go to Him for help. Here are some positive, Biblical steps to take to overcome depression: Recognize that God created you in His image and therefore you are good. He wants you to be happy. He gave His only begotten Son so that you might have eternal life (John 3:16). Abraham Lincoln once said, "Most folks are as happy as they make up their minds to be." Believe that God is faithful to do what He has promised for you. Look for His abundant life. God has promised to meet our every-need (Phil. 4:19; Eph. 3:20; Matt. 7:11). It is not ours to worry about food, clothing and shelter. God has promised that if we seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, He will add these material things to us (Matthew 6:25-33). Let His spirit dwell in your richly, causing you to have a song in your heart, an attitude of thanksgiving and a submissive spirit (Eph. 5:19-21). No misery or depression can exist in such a heart. Practice thanksgiving and praising the Lord for all things. To praise the Lord when things are going against your will is to show a submissive spirit. Be thankful in everything (I Thess. 5:18). , Think on positive things, things that are true, honest, just, pure, lovely and of good report (Phil 4:8). Realize that all things do work together for good to them that love the Lord (Romans 8:28). Do not dwell on past unhappy experiences, bad news in the world today, or ways in which life seems to have cheated you. Think about all the ways life has been a blessing to you. Have a forgiving spirit. Bad feelings or unforgiven hurts toward your fellow beings can cause you to feel very depressed. Telling others you are sorry you have wronged them or that you have forgiven them for something they have done to you in the past can often be the most therapeutic means of bringing about a peaceful heart.

How Many Bells Would You Ring?

The best part of Christmas for me this year was attending the Midnight mass at Trinity Episcopal Church in Santa Barbara, California.  My friend Andor invited me to attend the service with him.  I was delighted to have someone to go to mass.  This church practices what they preach as they volunteer at the Casa Esperanza on a weekly basis.  Their pastor is the one of our Chaplains.

The choir was marvelous.  The church was in all it's glory with all the Christmas decorations.  When you looked at the altar, you were amazed at the beauty of the manger scene. Hundreds of candles flickering and glowing.  Fragrance of incense from Bethlehem wafting in the air.  However, the most meaningful part of the night was when the pastor gave the sermon.

The sermon was partly about the horror that took place in Newtown, Conneticutt.  As he
 reminded us of the unfortunate 26 souls that were gunned down in cold blood, the nation asked all the churches across the country to toll the bell chimes 26 times in honor of these dearly prematurely departed individuals.  However, many of the churches decided to ring their bells 28 times.  28  is the total number of souls lost their lives that day.  I wonder how many times I would toll the church bells?  How many bells would you ring?

O Holy Night

For years, people have been telling Donnie and Bobby that the last day of the world would be on 21 December 2012.  This was the last day on the Mayan calendar.  Well, here we are at the Mental Health Center Christmas party in Santa Barbara.  One of the therapists asked me me what my favorite thing about Christmas was?  My answer is Midnight mass on Christmas eve with someone who knows how to sing "O Holy Night".  I also like the part where everyone lights a candle from one and sings, "Silent Night".  Hope you enjoy the music as much as I do.  Merry Christmas.

I Need Thee Every Hour

Give Me Jesus

Give Me Jesus

Dreams Can Come True

Everyone is so excited about dreaming about the future.

Dolly wants to be a performer.

Donnie wants to be a dancer.

Bobby wants to be a singer.

Danny dreams about being a vampire.  Sounds like a nightmare to me butt he has always been a little bit on the dark side.

Joe hopes to go the Air Force Academy and then be a Chaplain in the military.

Wondering what I dream?  Wondering what you dream?

I Dreamed a Dream

Susan Boyle was unemployed, relatively old to start a new career and did not fit into the mold of being a beautiful singer.  However, Susan Boyle had a dream.  Dolly fits the same mold as Susan.

This has caused the rest of us to ponder and contemplate what our dream might be.

Many of us have had our lives shattered by broken dreams.  Some of us have been so distraught that suicide was considered as a viable option.  The past is the past.  Right?  There is no better time like the present to dream new dreams.  Pray new prayers.  Seek what makes us different and give that gift to the world.

There is only one question which remains.  What is your dream?

Henry the Eighth

What a day at the Mental Health Facility!  There is a man who runs walks around all day insisting that he is Henry the Eighth reincarnated.  Not only is he Henry the Eighth, King of England but the unknown truth is that the King was gay. 

Donnie knows someone who wanted to be Prince Charles so he would be able to marry Princess Diana.  He also knows someone else who designed his Madrigal outfit after King Henry the Eighth.

Donnie looked over at me and said, "They all are pretty silly, aren't they?"

"Silly Indeed."  I smiled.

We also met someone who told us she was the daughter of Lee Harvey Oswald.  What a horrible life she has led being tormented by everyone as being the one who's Dad killed the president of the United States.  Whether this is true or a delusion, she has been driven "Mad" by this belief.

"I remember being Donnie's age, when the President John F. Kennedy was shot.  I was at Carl Sandburg grade school.  They closed the school and sent us all home.  I will never forget that day."  Another member of the center said.  "But Life goes on.!"

Today was Bingo day.  It was the first day that Donnie and Bobby played.  They both won a dollar.  I did not win a dime.  When Donnie yelled, "Bingo" he was so excited you would have thought he won a million dollars.  A little bit later, Bobby won with even more enthusiasm.  He had been happy for Donnie but sad that he had not won.  Now with two little kids who thought they were the richest boys on earth, they begged me to take them to the dollar store.

Oh the simple joys that come with youth!

From My Mouth to God's Ears

Actually I enlisted the help of the Righteous Brothers to help me.  One day I hope to be a righteous brother too.  There is a song in my heart and I pray God hears me.

While I am praying Lord, I beg that you grant me a voice to be able to sing like this!!!

Oh What a Beautiful Morning

The good thing about being Bi Polar is although you have your "downs", you also have your "ups"! When I woke up this morning, there was a song in my heart.  Silently,  since I was still in the men's dorm, I started to sing "Oh What a Beautiful Morning" from the musical Oklahoma.  The breeze from the ocean was wafting through the Casa Esperanza.  Truly, this place is my House of Hope. After I attended the duo diagnosis group at the mental health facilty, I was happy to set up the chess board for Bobby and Donnie.  They both are getting pretty good and both very competitive.  Craig and Paul were playing chess at another table.  My friend David wanted to play Chess 4.  Chess 4 is a four side chess board with four people playing, each against the other.  Fortunately, two staff members, Ian and Ryan were available to play also.  Dolly had taken my advice and was practicing singing with the karaoke machine.  Some of the worst singers I have ever heard are present on Tuesday to sing so Dolly fit right in.  The good thing about Drag Queens is they usually lip sync.  However, the boys and I applauded loudly every time Dolly got up to sing,

This is my world now.  I love it!  Thank you for being part of it!

I Will Never Give Up

I will never give up.  I will never give up.  I will never give up!

The last couple of years, there has been setback after setback.  I keep reminding God that he promises not to ask more than I can handle.  God thinks and knows that I can.  As cliche as it may sound, "If at first you do not succeed, try, try again" rings true for me.

So I picked myself up and brushed myself off and headed to the Mental Health Facility.  Guess who I run into?  Dolly Reynolds.  Dolly Reynolds is a Drag Queen who like me suffers from Bi Polar Disorder.  He/She was in quite a state.  What is the best thing I can do?  Listen.  As she told me his/her story, I felt that I could relate to her pain.  Her pain is her pain.  My pain is my pain.  However, being in pain, I was able to understand, empathize and listen.  Just Listen.

When she was done, I challenged her to learn the words to "Ain't Down Yet" by Debbie Reynolds from The Unsinkable Molly Brown.  Honestly, how can you be a drag queen if you can not do Debbie Reynolds.

It is Well with My Soul

Today was one of those horrible days.  Being homeless and jobless; recovering from open heart surgery, having no money has taken it's toll on me.  I am being pushed to the edge of all that I can handle.  This morning either I misplaced or someone stole my cell phone.  For me, this is almost the straw that broke the camel's back.

However, I remember when I tried being a Mormon, I flew to Salt Lake City to the semi annual conference.  The Mormon Tabernacle Choir, this Mormon Tabernacle Choir sang the song, "It is Well With My Soul"!  With ever fiber of my being I try to remember the peace and contentment I felt when I heard these words.

Will I find my phone?  I have no idea.  Do I believe in a God who will help me through this trial?  All I can do is recite scripture.  "Consider it pure joy my friends when you face trials and temptations of every kind."

Be joyful always.  Pray Continually.  Give thanks for all things.

Feed the Birds

The best thing in the world for these two little boys, Bobby and Donnie was to meet each other.  Now like two peas in a pod, they did not want to be apart from each other.  When Bobby's mom came to pick him up, she was bombarded with pleas and false promises that they would always be good and do everything they were asked.  I apologized that I had no idea what the two had planned in private.  Normally, Ms. Andrews does not like to be backed into the corner but she had a soft spot for these two little boys who were so happy. After dinner, Bobby asked his mother if they would be able to watch Mary Poppins.  They promised to go right to bed after this movie as this was their first sleep over.  Ms. Andrews knew that the boys would be up half the night clowning around, but nevertheless, she agreed. When I went to pick up Donnie this morning, the roles were reversed.  Both boys bombarded me with wanting to spend the sunny beautiful Santa Barbara day together.  After asking Bobby's mom, we were off on our first adventure. "Bobby, what would you like to do?" "Let's go feed the birds!"  Simultaneously the boys exclaimed.

They might not be pigeons nor is this St. Paul's cathedral, but seagulls and the ocean are quite a remarkable sight.  With several bags of bread from Trader Joe's that had to be thrown away from the Casa Esperanza, we were off to the beach.  The weather today was 78 degrees.  A cold day in California :)  While we were feeding the seagulls, it made me think of another Disney movie.  The scene in Finding Nemo with all the seagulls screeching "Mine."  Mine."  Mine."  I made me smile. When we ran out of bread, I asked Donnie, "What would you like to do?" In sync, the two boys yelled, "Let's go fly a kite." I wonder where they get these ideas.

When You Wish Upon a Star

Donnie wanted to go to the Fellowship Club today.  He wanted to meet Bobby.  Donnie and Bobby instantly clicked.  Almost magical.  The first thing these two five year old boys had in common was that their favorite Disney character is Jiminy Cricket.  They both came running to me beggingthat we would be able to watch the movie Pinocchio together.  As I popped up some popcorn and got Bobby and Donnie their favorite soft drink.  I asked these "two soon to be bouncing off the wall" kids what their favorite movie candy was.  The question was rhetorical but they both do not know the meaning of that word yet. 

"Raisenettes!"  Donnie exclaimed.

"Sour Patch Kids!"  Roared Bobby.

As we hopped unto the couch, Bobby and Donnie sat so close together, one would think they were siamese twins.  They wanted to be able to share their candy with each other.  I started the dvd and we all enter the Disney world of animation and imagination.

I wonder what Donnie would be dreaming about tonight?

When Bobby saw a star this evening, I wonder what Bobby would wish.

As for me, one of my dreams came true.  To find a friend for Bobby and Donnie.

Looking at the Man in the Mirror

There is a man at the Mental Health Facility named Jimmy.  Jimmy has been so depressed and distraught over his missing black sweatshirt hoodie.  He can not figure out whether it fell off his bike or someone stole it from him.  Not only was it his sweatshirt but the contents in the pockets that had him downward spiraling.  In the pockets, there was a bike light and a bottle of incense called Serenity that he uses for meditation.

As I listened and pondered, it became clear that I was looking at the man in the mirror. 

"Jimmy, did the fellowship club give you the sweatshirt? "

"Yes."  Jimmy replied.

"Marlin gave you the bike light, right?"

"Right."

"The incense was given to you by Anna, correct?"

"Correct."

As I asked each question, a chord rang in my heart.  I also get so attached to things.  Thinking of the throwing away most of my possessions before I moved to California still has me traumatized.

"Jimmy, instead of thinking that you lost or someone stole your things, may I make a suggestion?

"Sure!"  Jimmy said.

"The Lord gives and the Lord takes away.  Maybe consider the thought that God needed your things for a homeless person to stay warm, be able to light his path and to find some Serenity?"

"That's nice.  I really like that."  Jimmy seemed a relieved.

My new friend Bobby

There is a little five year old boy who I have met at the Mental Health Center.  One of the sweetest human beings I have ever known.  For confidentiality purposes, let's call him Bobby.  Bobby is a scared little boy who has been traumatized by being molested at a very young age.  He often sits by himself and rocks back and forth.  Bobby likes to play card games and I am teaching him how to play chess.

While we were playing chess today, he mentioned that he wishes that someone would just be able to hold him like he sees when he watches movies.  The bible verse, "I have been crucified with Christ and it is no longer I who lives but Christ who lives in me!"  Galatians 2:20  came to my mind.  For anyone who has known me for any amount of time, you know this is one of my favorite scripture verses.  One year I contemplated and pondered daily for a year as to exactly how this was possible.  Today everything became crystal clear to me.

"Bobby, would you like me to give you a big "ole" bear hug?"  I asked.

Hesitantly and frightened, Bobby said, "Yes, that would be nice."

Slowly and carefully with another staff member watching me, I gave Bobby a hug.  Bobby squeezed so tight.  Actually, I was quite surprised how strong his embrace was.  After a few moments, I went to release the hug but Bobby squeezed tighter.  Bobby and I sat there for several minutes in the big "ole" bear hug" I promised.  I could feel his tears dripping on my neck.  This made me start to cry as I was beginning to understand the love of Jesus.

Faith is waiting on things hoped for

FAITH

by Patrick Overton

When you walk to the edge of all the light you have
and take the first step into the darkness of the unknown,
you must believe that one of two things will happen:

There will be something solid for you to stand upon,
or, you will be taught how to fly,


Those who wait on the Lord will renew their strength,
they will run and not grow weary,
they will be lifted up on the wings of eagles. 


Rivers belong where they can ramble,
eagles belong where they can fly.
I've got to be where my spirit can be free,
Got to find my corner of the sky.
   A song from the musical, Pippin


Although my life is falling apart and I am on the brink of insanity,
I trust and have the faith to hope that God will put it all back together.

Faith is waiting on things hoped for!

Happy Thanksgiving

With Thanksgiving behind us, it became clear to me what an ingrate I can be.


 Instead of complaining about being homeless, I have learned to be thankful for the Casa Esperanza, a transitional living facility, where I am provided a warm bed and three meals a day.  The greatest lesson I have learned is to be more compassionate to the homeless.  With a few wrong turns, many people can end up finding themselves "on the street".  Never did I think I would find myself amongst the homeless but here I am.                                                                      My finances are a nightmare as I have not worked for almost two years.  However, I have learned to be more frugal.  How thankful I am that God has provided for all my needs during my financial famine.  I pick up pennies.          Being homeless and jobless means nothing when you do not have your health.  Being a mental health patient is so expensive when you consider the costs of medications, therapists and formal group therapy settings.  Complicated with having open heart surgery this past October,  I am SO thankful for having an Uncle Sam who has picked up my $80,000.00 procedure.  This is only one of five procedures that I have had to undergo this past year.  Thank God I am a veteran. What is God trying to teach me in all of this.  Answer is simple.  Only 3 things:  First, Be joyful always, Second, Pray continually and Third, Give thanks to God for everything for this is God's will for you and me.   Happy Thanksgiving!

My Desire is to be More like Christ

My desire is to be more like Jesus Christ.

Since God is love, then John Thomas desires to be love.

Therefore, John Thomas is patient.  John Thomas is kind.
He does not envy.  He does not boast.  He is not proud.
He is not self seeking.  He is not easily angered.  He keeps no record of wrongs.
John Thomas does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.
He always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

God never fails.

Love never fails.

Although I shall fail often,  I shall spend the rest of my days trying to become love

Sayings of the Desert Fathers

    One day when Abba Macarius was going down to Egypt, with some brethren, he heard a boy saying to his mother, "Mother, there is a rich man who likes me, but I detest him; and on the other hand, there is a poor man who hates me, and I love him."  Hearing these words, Abba Macarius marvelled.  So the brethren said to him:  "What is this saying, Abba, that makes you marvel?"  The old man said to them, "Truly, our Lord is rich and loves us, and we do not listen to him;  while our enemy the devil is poor and hates us, but we love his impurity."

Words to Live By

"You yourself, as much as anybody in the universe, deserve your love and affection."
~Buddha~

May God embrace those who lost someone on 9-11

There are certain times in life that you can remember exactly where you were at when something horrible happened.  I remember when John F. Kennedy was shot.  More recently, I remember 9-11.  One of my friends was frantic to hear from her husband who was in the towers that awful day.  Fortunately for her, her husband made it out safe.

Many others did not make it out alive.  This day is a horrible reminder for all those families and friends who lost someone.  My prayers implore God to embrace each and every one who suffered the loss of a loved one.  Lord, hear my prayer.

From This Moment

From today on, I am in charge of my life.

Today I rise above my limitations.

Today I release all my hurts and resentments
   and let forgiveness set me free.

Today I say yes to me and to love and to my power
   to make positive decisions.

My past is over and can't be changed.
Today I accept it and let it go lovingly.

I am creating a happier life by practicing forgiveness
   of myself and others.

Miracles are happening to me because I am willing
   to be changed and healed.

I feel happy and free.

The Path

I know the path; it is strait and narrow.
It is like the edge of a sword.
I rejoice to walk on it.
I weep when I slip.
God's word is:
"He who strives never perishes."
I have implicit faith in that promise.
Though, therefore, from my weakness
I fail a thousand times,
I shall not lose faith.

Words of wisdom from Mahatma Gandhi

What Dreams May Come

The past is the past.

I will think about tomorrow tomorrow.

All that is important is that I stay present in this moment.

With that said, I am praying that God gives me the dream that he has always had planned for me.  Most of my life,  I have chased after fantasies.  Delusions of Grandeur.  For the first time I can remember, I asked God to show me a dream that he has planned for me.

After being in a depression for over a decade, it is foreign territory for me to embrace life.  Thoughts of suicide.  Imploring God to let me die.  Being angry at God that he would not answer my prayers to seize to exist.  Actually I stand corrected.  God answered my prayer.  Just NOT the way I wanted Him too.

God has a reason for me on this earth.  My focus needs to be to sit and patiently wait for God to answer my prayer for the dream He has planned for me.  There are ONLY two things I need to do.  1)  Love God.   2)  Love Others.

Love is patient.

Patiently I wait on the Lord!

Keep Your Dream

Printed from Motivational Stories  written by Stephen on 17th November 2008

I have a friend named Monty Roberts who owns a horse ranch in San Ysidro.  He has let me use his house to put on fund-raising events to raise money for youth at risk programs. 

The last time I was there he introduced me by saying, "I want to tell you why I let Jack use my house.  It all goes back to a story about a young man who was the son of an itinerant horse trainer who would go stable to stable, race track to race track, farm to farm and ranch to ranch, training horses.  As a result, the boy's high school career was continually interrupted.  When he was a senior, he was asked to write a paper about what he wanted to be and do when he grew up.

That night he wrote a seven-page describing his goal of someday owning a horse ranch.  He wrote about his dream in great detail and he even drew a diagram of a 200-acre ranch, showing the location of all the buildings, the stable and the track.  Then he drew a detailed floor plan for a 4,000 square-foot house that would sit on a 200-acre dream ranch.

He put a great deal of his heart into the project and the next day he handed it in to his teacher.  Two days later he received his paper back.  On the front was a large red F with a note that read, "See me after class".

The teacher said, "This is an unrealistic dream for a young boy like you.  You have no money.  You come from an itinerant family.  You have no resources.  Owning a horse ranch requires a lot of money.  You have to buy the land.  You have to pay for the original breeding stock and later you'll have to pay large stud fees.  There's no way you could ever do it."  Then the teacher added, "If you rewrite this paper with a more realistic goal, I will reconsider your grade".

The boy went home and thought about it long and hard.  He asked his father what he should do.  His father said, "Look son, you have to make up your own mind on this.  However, I think it is very important decision for you."  Finally, after sitting with it for a week, the boy turned in the same paper, making no changes at all.

He stated, "You can keep the F and I'll keep my dream."

Monty then turned to the assembled group and said, "I tell you this story because you are sitting in my 4,000 square-foot house in the middle of my 200-acre horse ranch.  I still have that school paper framed over the fireplace."  He added, "The best part of the story is that two summers ago that same school teacher brought 30 kids to camp out on my ranch for a week."  When the teacher was leaving, he said, "Look, Monty, I can tell you this now.  When I was your teacher, I was something of a dream stealer.  During those years I stole a lot of kid's dreams.  Fortunately you had enough gumption not to give up on yours."

Don't let anyone steal your dreams.  Follow your heart, no matter what.

Someone stole my dream.  It no longer matters who it was.  The important thing is that I need to decide what my dream is now.  No more fantasies but a real dream.  If someone stole your dream, maybe we can dream together and inspire each other "To Dream the Impossible Dream."

Enjoy your life at every moment

Once a fisherman was sitting near seashore, under the shadow of a tree smoking his beedi.  Suddenly a rich businessman passing by approached him and inquired as to why he was sitting under a tree smoking and not working.  To this the poor fisherman replied that he had caught enough fishes for the day.

Hearing this the rich businessman got angry and said:  Why don't you catch more fishes instead of sitting in the shadow wasting your time?

Fisherman asked:  What would I do by catching more fishes?

Businessman:  You could catch more fishes, sell them and earn more money, and buy a bigger boat.

Fisherman:  What would I do then?

Businessman:  You could go fishing in deep waters and catch even more fishes and earn even more money.

Fisherman:  What would I do then?

Businessman:  You could buy many boats and employ many people to work for you and earn even more money.

Fisherman:  What would I do then?

Businessman:  You could be a rich businessman like me.

Fisherman:  What would I do then?

Businessman:  You could enjoy your life peacefully.

Fisherman:  What do you think I am doing right now?

MORAL ~  You don't need to wait for tomorrow to be happy and enjoy your life.  You don't even need to be more rich, more powerful to enjoy life.  LIFE is at this moment, enjoy it fully.

As some great men have said "My riches consist not in extent of my possessions but in the fewness of my wants".

This was written by Stephen on November 20th,  2008 in Motivational Stories

Butterfly Freedom

"And what's a butterfly?  At best,

He's but a caterpillar,  At rest."  Quote by John Grey


Most of my life,  I have been chasing fantasies and delusions of grandeur in the hopes of transforming my life.  Whether I be like Cinderella singing, "In my own little corner in my own little way, I can be whoever I want to be!" or "Some day my prince will come."  Whether I be a little peasant girl or boy,  I am waiting for my fairy Godmother to change me into a beautiful princess or prince.  How many years were wasted hoping that I would be able to marry Princess Diana?

Recently I had an epiphany.  What's wrong with being a caterpillar?  I love being a caterpillar.  I love being me.  Now I rest knowing that I am just the way that God knew I would be.  Besides "He who began a good work in me, will be faithful to complete it!"  It is God's job to transform me.  All I need to do is rest.

You are the Light of the World

"If nothing ever changed, there'd be no butterflies."  Author Unknown

Change is exactly what Donnie and  I need.  How many times have we been told or have read that "We are the Light of the World"?  Yet our many personalities seem to be trapped in the darkness of one of the chambers in our mind.  At first, I thought it would be best to exterminate or eliminate all the different personalities that exist.  After contemplation and meditation, it now becomes clear that just as I was created to take care of Donnie,  it is also my duty and challenge to take care of the many individuals that Donnie has created.  Donnie has introduced me to Danny, Dolly, Don, Donn, JT, Donald and Donald William Harbeck.  The others are still afraid to meet with me and watch carefully in the shadows of my mind as Donnie and I work together to assure that our desire is to love each one of these fragmented and dissociative personalities.  Someone reading this might think that I am just a compulsive liar or as one psychiatrist stated, "a malingerer".  Think what you may, but as Shakespeare wrote, "To Thine Own Self Be True!"

"The caterpillar does all the work but the butterfly gets all the publicity." Attributed to GeorgeCarlin

There is a lot of work this worm or this caterpillar needs to do.  Monday and Wednesday we go to a Bipolar support group.  Tuesday is Meditation class and Dual Diagnosis support group and Depression support.  Thursday there are two other support meetings we attend.  Three therapisst have been contacted to help us learn how to manage and cope with mental illness while we journey towards mental wellness.  Between the VA clinic, Casa Esperanza and the Fellowship Club in Santa Barbara, they are certain to help transform this caterpillar into a butterfly.

"What the caterpillar calls the end of the world, the master calls a butterfly."  Richard Bach

"I saw a poet chase a butterfly in a meadow.  He put his net on a bench where a boy sat reading a book.  It's a misfortune that it is usually the other way around."  Karl Kraus

So it with us.  I sit next to the boy reading a book on the bench.

"Just like the butterfly, I too will awaken in my own time."  Deborah Chaskin

Donnie goes deeper into depression

I have no idea what to do.  Donnie continues to go into deeper levels of depression.  He is very mad at me for giving Clyde away.  This was almost a year ago now.  There are a lot of voices in my head and they are suggesting that John Thomas be killed.  This is on account of my thought that it might be better to kill the many voices in my mind.  Since that time, I have decided it would be much better to fuse the personalities together.  Like John Thomas who is the caretaker for Donnie, might I not be able to be the caretaker for all the voices.  However, the other voices are furious and Donnie is running around in circles, crying hysterically.

Most of today, I have no idea who was present in this body.  Most of the day, I have no recollection what occurred.  For the first time I can remember, I was in the chamber of Donnie's mind with him.  There seems to be a broken trust with Donnie and the many other voices.  Most of them are silent and hide in the shadows of the dark chamber where all the personalities live.  Cautiously they watch to see how I handle settling Donnie down.

Only now, as I sit here with you, I ponder the possibility of having Donnie introduce me to all the different voices.  Donn struggles with same sex attraction.  Donnie was an abused child.  The Sandusky trials was of great interest to many of the voices.  Maybe it was Donn who was present in body form for most of the day.  I am uncertain.

One of the psychiatrists suggested that I was malingering.  Yes, I have lived most of my life in Delusions of Grandeur.  Is that malingering when you really believe these things to be true?  Which is crazier;  Having multiple personalities or believing you have multiple personalities?  Complicated by having a borderline personality and being bipolar.  Is it any wonder that this little boy named Donnie goes deeper into depression?

A New Perspective

Usually when I look at the above picture,

This is what I see.  My hope, prayer, desire and dream is to be held in the arms of Jesus.  Although I know I am forgiven, I long to feel God's touch.  However, I am beginning to look at the picture in a new way.  Jesus was the last sacrificial lamb.  Everything about Passover, The Lord's Supper and the Eucharist revolve around our consuming the body and blood of The Lamb.  I am beginning to look at the lamb as Jesus Christ.  My hope, prayer, desire and dream is to hold Jesus Christ in my arms.  To love God.

You might notice the nail scar in my hand.  Simply put, "I have been crucified with Christ, it is no longer I who lives but Christ who lives in me."  As I focus on dying to myself, I open myself for the love of Christ to fill me.

As I learn to love myself and loving God, then I can be obedient to God's call to "Feed his Lambs."

The picture would look something like the one above.  I invite Jesus Christ into my life to work in me, with me and through me by the power of the Holy Spirit to love God and others.

A New Perspective.

I need your input

Look at this picture and tell me what you see.

A Taste of Heaven

Our personality split yesterday between Donnie, a little five year old boy who is mentally ill from the traumas from childhood and his caretaker, John Thomas.  My name is John Thomas.  We were able to get a taste of heaven yesterday.

After helping Ismael, my new Muslim friend get breakfast prepared for the residents at the transitional living facility we live in, my personality split.  Little Donnie found himself hiding under my bed, crying hysterically and his body trembling, I found myself lost in the chamber of his mind.  After several hours, I was able to convince Donnie to exchange places with me and that we would have a wonderful day together.  Donnie agreed.

Donnie loves the color purple.  I took him and showed him that we live in a place where there are purple trees.

Donnie loves to be by the ocean.  Donnie loves to play games.  Donnie loves his sister Linda.  I sent a text to Linda and invited her to a backgammon series.  We ended up playing three series.  We even had a couple of those phoo phoo drinks in a pineapple with one of those colorful paper umbrellas.  Although we were over two thousand miles apart, Donnie really believes that he played backgammon with his sister by the ocean.

I live in Santa Barbara.  Although Santa Barbara is named after a martyred saint, Donnie loves his "Aunty Barb who died and lives in heaven with Jesus."  If you knew his Aunt Barb, you would agree that she was a saint too.

Our backgammon tournament ended because I needed to return to Casa Esperanza to help serve lunch for almost 200 of the homeless in Santa Barbara.
After lunch, I took Donnie up to the Santa Barbara mission which is called the "Queen of the Missions".  Founded on December 4, 1786, it is the 10th mission in California.  I rode my bike to the mission and the first thing we saw was the largest rose garden we had ever seen.

We love flowers.  Donnie loves his mother.  Donnie's mother loves roses.  We were able to send her this picture of some of the roses from this garden.  Although we are far apart, it was a taste of heaven that we could still communicate with each other.

In the afternoon, I met with some Tibetan monks to meditate.  Through meditation, I am learning about my mental illness.  My provider Anna was at the meditation also.  It was great to be able to have a chance to talk after the meditation, away from the Casa.

I called my friend Amy Rosenbaum.  She is a methodist minister who was concerned that I would be having my third heart procedure in West LA and that I would be alone.

"I wish I could be there for you!"  Amy said.

"You are!"  I was delighted to respond.

Mass was being held at 4:00 pm at the Santa Barbara Parish at the Old Mission.  The mission is run by the Franciscan friars.  The mass was "The Solemnity of the Most Holy Body and Blood of Christ."

"This is my body."  Jesus said

"This is my blood."  Jesus continues.

Now take and eat and drink of me."  Implores Jesus.

After mass, I met with the Franciscan priest and asked how I might get involved with the parish and the monastery here in Santa Barbara.  He gave me two numbers to call.

"Heaven on Earth?"  For Donnie and me, we would have to say,
"Today we were given a taste of heaven."

Donnie was elated when I bought him a mood ring.  The ring has eight little butterflies on it.  The coolest thing for Donnie is whenever he is feeling loved, the ring turns purple.  This morning the ring would have been black for depression.
Right now, the ring is purple!

The We Nobody Knows

There are very few professionals in the psychology world that believe in multiple personalities.  Therefore, I find myself in the dilemma of trying to learn about and maintain this psychological disorder on my own.  However, yesterday through meditation, I believe I have been able to shed some light on this topic.

Imagine there are different chambers in your mind.  One of those chambers is the room of your personality.  For me, this room is completely dark.  No furniture.  No light.  Yet there are a bunch of different personalities in that room.  Some of the people are sleeping quietly on the floor.  One little boy is running around in a circle frantic screaming at the top of his lungs.  I hear a little girl crying.  There is a little boy curled in one of the corners "scared almost to death".  There is a man who is trying very hard to attend to all the children.  One man is stuck on thoughts of suicide.

This is a picture of one of the personalities living in this room.  He usually is distraught over the immense amount of of sin from his past.  Although I tell him that he is forgiven, he longs and yearns to be held in the arms of Jesus.  His love language is touch.  He wants to go to heaven to be with Jesus but his prayers are constantly denied.  Don waits for the return of his Savior, feeling unloved and untouched.  The pain of loneliness is almost more than he can bear.

Donn, on the other hand, is sexually driven.  He knows that he is supposed to be attracted to the woman (right).  Yet he is completely sexually attracted to the "drop dead gorgeous hunk of man" (left).  While Don continues to repent for the sins of lust of flesh, envy, and coveting his neighbor's body,  Donn gets lost in the fantasy that this is the day that his prince will come and he hopes to live happily ever after with this man.  His ecstasy is crushed by the agony that once again he fell in love with a heterosexual man.

Don reminds Donn that he needs to wait for The Prince to come.

Donn knows that he is finding an illegitimate way of getting his needs met.  As he embraces the woman, he feels nothing except the love for a sister.  When he embraces this handsome man, he feels his heart pound with passion, every sexual sensation pulsates through his being and for a brief moment he feels the Joy of being touched.

Don lives in great fear that homosexuals will spend eternity in hell.  The duality of these two personalities are in conflict with each other day and night.

I know this man in the picture.  How did he get to the Pride Celebration in Hollywood?  In the chamber I was telling you about, there is a door that exits into the light.  The light is the reality of life.  Only one person can leave and live in the light at a time.  Donn had escaped because he could not be held hostage in that dark room any longer.

Yesterday, little Donnie escaped.  Donnie, I think, is the core personality that has created all the other personalities.  He may have even created me.  I believe Donnie created me because he needed someone to take care of him.  The mental illness had become too much for a little five year old to handle.  He kept asking for help only to be called a "liar" or the new phrase is a "malingerer"!

As I said, yesterday, little Donnie had escaped.  He was so confused and afraid that he literally crawled under the bed, cried hysterically and his entire little body trembled.  Now if you were to see a cute little boy named Donnie Harbeck trying to hide under the bed, what would you want to do?  I am pretty sure you would coax him out from under the bed and hold and hug him and comfort him until he stopped crying and his little body stopped shaking.

The problem is little Donnie lives in a fifty four year old body.  Not so cute.  Actually pretty disturbing.  Usually children are afraid of the monsters that live under the bed.  It breaks my heart to see this little child who lives in such fear.  As I convince Donnie to go back into the dark room, I am able to hug and hold  and comfort him as we exchange places.  Although the touch is but a moment, Donnie is content and is able to find a safe place to fall asleep.

My name is John Thomas and it is my calling to take care of all these personalities.  Once I can work with all these fragmented personalities, I hope and pray that once fused, we can love ourselves.  Once we love ourselves, then we can truly love God and love others.

On a New Path to COEXIST

"Now the Lord said to Abram, "Go from your country and your kindred and your father's house to the land that I will show you.  I will make of you a great nation, and I will bless you, and make your name great, so that you will be a blessing.  I will bless those who bless you, and the one who curses you I will curse, and in you all the families of the earth shall be blessed."  Genesis 12:1-3

First observation:  ALL the families of the earth shall be blessed.

God makes a covenant with Abraham.  Abraham and Sarah get impatient waiting for a child and Sarah gives her Egyptian slave girl whose name is Hagar to bear her husband a son.  The Birth of Ishmael takes place.

Thirteen years later, the sign of God's covenant takes place with the birth of Isaac.  A whole lot of ugly takes place and Sarah says, "Cast out this slave woman with her son; for the son of this slave woman shall not inherit along with my son Isaac."  "The matter was very distressing to Abraham on account of his son.  But God said to Abraham, "Do not be distressed because of the boy and because of your slave woman; whatever Sarah says to you, do as she tells you, for it is is through Isaac that offspring shall be named for you.  As for the son of the slave woman, I will make a nation of him also, because he is your offspring."

Second Observation:  Hagar and Ishmael are banished to the desert.  The angel of God shows up and promises them both that God will make a great nation of him.  "God was with the boy, and he grew up;"

Speed up the story:  Isaac has two twin sons named Esau and Jacob.  Abraham loves Esau and Rebecca loves Jacob.  Esau sells his birthright.  Jacob and Rebecca deceives Isaac who blesses Jacob by mistake.  The Bible follows the lineage of Jacob. 

Third Observation:  Esau marries Ishmael's daughter.  I never remember reading this in the Bible before.  I certainly never heard a sermon on the topic.  "Esau went to Ishmael and took Mahalath daughter of Abraham's son Ishmael, and sister of Nebaioth, to be his wife in addition to the wives he had."

Recently, I met a man named Ismael.  Ismael is the Arabic name for Ishmael.  Yes, Ismael is a muslim.  No, most muslims are not terrorists.  Ismael invited me to his mosque to attend his service today.  I am now reading the Quran.  Ismael is now reading the Bible.

Upside:  Ismael and I are friends.

Downside:  If I become a muslim, they would have to stone me for being a homosexual.  It is an abomination to Allah.

Moral of this story:  We are on a new path to COEXIST.

Walking on a New Path

"Open a new window, open a new door,
travel a new highway that has never been tried before..."

Although the words are from an old musical, this is a new song in my heart.  As I went walking and talking with God today, I sensed that God wanted me to take a new path.  Usually I have the habit of doing the same thing, the same way every single time.  This could be one of the reasons for my insanity.  However, one of the few times in my life I listened to God, I found myself riding on a new path through Santa Barbara.

As I listened to the ocean tide come in and out, I said the Jesus Prayer.
"Lord Jesus Christ, son of God, have mercy on me" I breathed in.
Hold breath.
"A sinner saved by grace."  I would exhale.  Sometimes I would be vocal.  However when others were near, in silence; so that they did not think of me as one of those crazy homeless people.  Although even if I am mentally ill, I have chosen to love myself.

The first gift God had in store for me was seeing a lone dove.  Was this a sign of the Holy Spirit or my Grandma Zoch visiting me from heaven?  All I felt was that God loved me and my Grandma loved me and I loved them. 

"He who began a good work in you, will be faithful to complete it."

As I continued riding my bike through a part of Santa Barbara I had never been, I saw a bunch of sparrows.  I tried to feed them but they kept their distance.

"I sing because I am happy,  I sing because I am free,
if Your (God's) eye is on the sparrow,
then I know You're (God's) watching me."  I sang a song my Grandma Zoch taught me when I was a little child.

As I continued to chase after the sparrows, I found myself in a flowered area of a park and what do you think God had in store for me?  A butterfly.  A single beautiful white butterfly floated and lighted for a moment for God to remind me that this little caterpillar is going to be a beautiful butterfly.

Love Keeps No Record of Wrongs

Loving myself is not going to be easy.

Every time I told myself that I was a child of God, Satan filled my head with the thought, "You are a liar, you are a son of Satan."  He reminded me of sin after sin that I had committed.

God is love.

Love is patient.  I need to be patient with myself.

Love is kind.  I need to be kind to myself.

Love also keeps no record of wrongs.

As I walked along the sand next to the ocean, I thought of the poem, "Footprints".  However, God gave me a different twist to think about.
Every time that Satan reminded me of one of my sins, I watched as my footprints were washed away by the incoming waves.  Even the deadly sins were mentioned

Pride.  Greed.  Envy.  Gluttony.  Lust.  Wrath.

On a beautiful day in Santa Barbara, I walked and talked with God knowing that every one of my sins was forgiven, each and every time I watched the waves wash away my footsteps.

Come to think of it, this may be easier than I thought.  I was happy to mention to God that I did not despair knowing that he had removed my sin as far as the east is from the west.

If God remembers my sin no more, I think I can receive His love and keep no record of wrongs either.

"Hey, do you know what?"

One of my mentors in life was named Father Vincent Dwyer.

He would say, "Hey, do you know what?"

My response was to be "You love me just the way I am."

"What does that say to you about you?"  He continued.

I was supposed to respond that if he could love me, how much more God loves me.

Today my reality is that whether God, Vince or anyone else loves me means nothing if I do not love myself.  I am incapable of receiving love from anyone if I am unable to stop hating myself.  My life has fallen apart.  Homeless, jobless, mentally ill and struggling with a broken heart valve, despair has made me consider suicide as a viable option.

Despair.  Depression.  Hopelessness.

On the road to loving myself, the first issue is the sin of despair.  I had made a positive choice to give up hope.  To stop "running the race".  I had made a terrible error of believing that "my" sin was too large for Jesus Christ and his death on the cross to forgive.  The catholic church considers despair to be a mortal sin.  I agree.  "Repent, for the kingdom of heaven is near."

As I implore God to forgive me, I try to imagine God saying, "Now go and sin no more."  If anyone knows me of any length, you know that for the past decade I have begged and implored God to let me die.  Bring me home to heaven.  This life on earth is too hard for me.  I feel unloved.  The Bible says God gives us the choice of choosing life or death.  Unfortunately, I chose poorly and have been miserable for over ten years chasing after death.

Putting the pieces back together.

No longer am I homeless as I live in a transitional living facility.

Although I hate taking medication, I comply with my doctors and therapists who are treating me for borderline personality, bipolar disorder, paranoia and depression.  The hard part is learning about my mental illness and learning how to manage it.  Pretending there was nothing wrong was not the right answer.

Regarding my heart, I have decided to have the open heart surgery.  I thought God had answered my prayer and that I was told in 2007 that I would not live two years.  This is the year 2012.  My response was always, "The God who gave me a broken heart valve is the same God who can fix it."  Having worked through some foggy areas of my mental illness, it became clear that there was no reason for God to heal me miraculously as he continues to work miracles through the gifted hands of these doctors.  The charismatics would call this the gift of healing.

Regarding a job, I just completed a two year culinary arts program and was hired but I need to postpone my hire date due to the heart surgery this summer.

Loving myself is foreign to me.  Almost seems unbiblical.  However, God is love.  God created me in His image.  Therefore, loving myself is the first stage to loving God.  As I continue to trust and obey God, I show God that I love him.  God commands me to love others as oneself.  Love is full circle.  Never ending.

"Hey, do you know what?"

"I love me just the way I am."